In reply to Post #1961
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

In reply to Post #1929
All this talk of the royal baby is bringing back some painful memories. Last time I was third inline for the throne I shat myself in wetherspoons.

In reply to Post #1901
Who says the Scotts are Tight?

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,

marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds -

to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the

silk square handkerchief

and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,

and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,

followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists

and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

“We'll have a new one

In reply to Post #1843
I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to f**k off.

In reply to Post #1831
I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around................................I felt like I was on The Voice.

In reply to Post #1797
Digging up the garden this morning,I found a Land Rover buried 6ft down...which was a nice discovery.

In reply to Post #1651
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said: "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered, "what about your new woman?" I said, "thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat Cow.

In reply to Post #1638
I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

"What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?" I enquired.

"No..." he said, "... hurdles."

In reply to Post #1563
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?" The woman says, "No, f**k off." The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

In reply to Post #1453
Need some advice, just been offered 8 legs of venison for £20...is that two deer?