I arrived home early from work last night and spotted an unfamiliar car parked in my driveway.

I walked through the door and heard moaning from upstairs.

I quietly walked up the stairs and the moaning got louder. I opened my bedroom door and there I saw my wife, fukcing another man.

"What the fukc is going on here?" I shouted

"What was going through your fukcing head when you decided to fukc that disgusting piece of sh1t?!"

"I'm sorry, baby! I can explain!" My wife cried

"Quiet you!" I snapped "I'll get to you in a minute"

In reply to Post #1288
3 goodens their sik

a bloke goes downstairs and says to his missus
"quick , go upstairs and have a look at the size of that jobbie i just done up there"
she says no , thats discusting
he says , go on , please , its a good 2 pounder
in she went , holding her nose , looked in the pan and said , theres nothoing in there.
he said no , not in there , its on the scales

According to a recent survey in Cosmopolitan, an astonishing ninety percent of women have secretly fantasised about being raped.

Unfortunately, I only ever get the other ten percent.

Football News: Reading Manager - Brian McDermott, has been fired by the club.

Entertainment News: Brian McDermott returns to presenting Masterchef.

In reply to Post #1293

I've never lasted long enough to see the end of a porno but apparently it's where the woman unzips the guys trousers and gets his .... out.

Cardinal O'Brien said goodbye at mass for the last time yesterday
After the emotional ceremony all the alter boys said "they were touched".

Just got back from a gamblers Anonymous meeting.
They put me next to a fruit machine addict it was
f..k..g horrible the c... was nudging me all night.

Teacher asks William to spell pope.
William says there's no pope.
Teacher says just spell pope.
So William says p.o.f.p.e.
Teacher says there's no f in pope.
William says i f..k..g told you that.

My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.

He committed suicide last night.

I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.

"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed.

"He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.

"Why not?" She sniffed.

"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.

Ive ust bought myself a pair of Meatloaf underwear.

On the front it says "i will do anything for love"

On the back it says "but i wont do that".

Paddy and murphy in tesco's and paddy says the cheeky barstards are putting zebra meat in burger ingredients now.

Murphy says thats the bar code you tw@t.

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “sh1t” meant.

Thinking fast she replied “food on the table.”

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says “It's a priest.”

Next day he comes home a asks what does “fcukin” mean. She says it means “getting dressed.”

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells “got it”. He opens the door and says “Hey son of a bitch, sh1ts on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fcukin

In reply to Post #1302