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I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard...
I came in cider.
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In reply to Post #1547
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door.
I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracey's husband's expense on the way out.
The next day I was telling this quite incredible tale to mates down at the pub, when the ****s all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.
My oldest friend pulled me to one side and said, "Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."
I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "
He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.
"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big t1ts."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big t1ts."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's t1ts are that big
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In reply to Post #1544
 well in
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It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death!
Bloody corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!
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In reply to Post #1542
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So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place.
He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.
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In reply to Post #1534
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In reply to Post #1538
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In reply to Post #1534
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent
Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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School Register being read on the first day back at Birmingham Primary... Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here, miss."Ahmed El Kabul? "Here, miss"Fatima Al Hayek? "Here miss"Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here, miss"Mohammed Bin Kadir? "Here, miss"Ali Son al En? no answer..Ali Son al En?? Still silence in the class. Ali Son al En? A girl stands up and says: "Sorry miss, I think that's me... It's pronounced Alison Allen..!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #1532
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I was working in the local taxi office last night when I told my boss, "I've just heard one of the drivers sh@gging a woman in the back of his cab. He must have left the radio on by mistake."
"What's the frequency?" he asked.
"I think he's fcuked her three times.
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