A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.
The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.
Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first hard on I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep.
The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.
Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first hard on I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep.
A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor.
When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.
"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"
"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."
"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"
From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's fcuk all I just came here to fix the telephone!"
When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.
"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"
"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."
"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"
From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's fcuk all I just came here to fix the telephone!"
I went up to a fit girl at a swingers party and asked if she wanted some fun.
"You're new to this aren't you" she smiled.
"What makes you think that?" I said.
"Because you're dressed as a gorilla.
"You're new to this aren't you" she smiled.
"What makes you think that?" I said.
"Because you're dressed as a gorilla.
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger.
As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating."
I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out.
Knocking some poor c.... off his motorbike.
As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating."
I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out.
Knocking some poor c.... off his motorbike.
In reply to Post #1464
In reply to Post #1464
Is there no end to Rolf Harris's musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he's also an expert fiddler.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone's huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That's wonderful! Isn't he a smart young man? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone's huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That's wonderful! Isn't he a smart young man? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.
A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.
After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn't help but notice, but you don't appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.
The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.
The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man replied, “Well, it's obvious really. You can't wear glasses if you haven't got any fcuking ears!
A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.
After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn't help but notice, but you don't appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.
The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.
The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man replied, “Well, it's obvious really. You can't wear glasses if you haven't got any fcuking ears!
In reply to Post #1462
There were 3 sisters living together 92, 94 and 95 yrs. old. The oldest went upstairs one evening to take a bath. As she was getting in the tub with one foot in and one foot out, she called down to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or am I getting out of the tub?"
The 94 yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"
The 92 yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"
The 94 yr. old decided to go upstairs to see if she could help figure out the situation. She got to the 3rd step and stopped - then called out, "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down the stairs?"
The 92 yr. old, sitting at the kitchen table, thought she better knock on wood and as she knocked on the kitchen table she said, "I hope I never get as bad as my sisters. Now was that the front door or the back door?"
In reply to Post #1474
One day little Johnny was at the farm with his uncle..
Little Johnny asked his uncle, 'hey uncle, whats the difference between potentially and realistically?'
Little johnnys uncle then said, 'go in and ask your auntie Mavis if she'll have sex with the mail man for a million bucks'
Little Johnny went and asked his auntie the same question..
His auntie Mavis then said, 'well with the way things are going at the moment i would!'
Little Johnny went back and told his uncle what she had said....
His uncle then turned around and said, 'okay then, go and ask your in uncle sherell if she'll do the same thing'
Little Johnny went and asked his cousin sherell if she'd have sex with the mail man for a million bucks!'
His cousin sherell said, 'well durr, what kind of a question is that!'
Little Johnny went and told his uncle what she had said..
His uncle then turns around and says, 'well, there ya go, potentially we're sitting on 2 million bucks! But realistically im just living with a couple of whores
Little Johnny asked his uncle, 'hey uncle, whats the difference between potentially and realistically?'
Little johnnys uncle then said, 'go in and ask your auntie Mavis if she'll have sex with the mail man for a million bucks'
Little Johnny went and asked his auntie the same question..
His auntie Mavis then said, 'well with the way things are going at the moment i would!'
Little Johnny went back and told his uncle what she had said....
His uncle then turned around and said, 'okay then, go and ask your in uncle sherell if she'll do the same thing'
Little Johnny went and asked his cousin sherell if she'd have sex with the mail man for a million bucks!'
His cousin sherell said, 'well durr, what kind of a question is that!'
Little Johnny went and told his uncle what she had said..
His uncle then turns around and says, 'well, there ya go, potentially we're sitting on 2 million bucks! But realistically im just living with a couple of whores
In reply to Post #1476
A bloke runs into a pub, grinning and says to the landlord, "The beers are on me - my wife just ran off with my best friend!"
The landlord smiled and said, "Well, that's a shame. Why aren't you sad?"
"Sad?" the bloke replies, "They've saved me a fortune. They were both pregnant!"
Q. What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
A. The Pitbull gets to finish
The landlord smiled and said, "Well, that's a shame. Why aren't you sad?"
"Sad?" the bloke replies, "They've saved me a fortune. They were both pregnant!"
Q. What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
A. The Pitbull gets to finish