In reply to Post #1435

In reply to Post #1450
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... She's 21 and her name's Lucy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

In reply to Post #1451

In reply to Post #1451

In reply to Post #1453
Need some advice, just been offered 8 legs of venison for £20...is that two deer?

In reply to Post #1454
more like a couple of bucks

I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life guard noticed and blew his whistle so ****ing loud I nearly fell in...

In reply to Post #1456
carol vorderman recently fell down the stairs i believe-word has it she hit 2 from the top and 3 from the bottom

Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!!!

Sad news I'm afraid, a man has recently died at a chocolate factory after a pile of boxes fell on to him.
He tried in vain to save himself, and when he called for help and shouted" the Milky Bars are on me"................. Everyone just cheered

Two  businessmen in the centre of Lymington
were sitting down for a break  in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with  only a few shelves set up. 
One said to the other,  "I bet any minute now some pensioner  is going to walk by, put their face to the window,  and ask what we're selling."
No  sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,  had a peek,   and in a soft voice asked,  

"What are you selling here?" 

One  of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling  ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
 
 
“Must be doing well... Only the two of you left."

In reply to Post #1459

In reply to Post #1456

I've just broken the world record for holding my breath under water.An incredible 8 Minutes,42 Seconds!
It all started when a girl at the swimming pool shouted "That,s him over there Daddy".

My mate asked what a dilemma was?
So i said,"imagine you're naked and in a big bed.
A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
"Who you gonna turn your back on?"