My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.
"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."
"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."
"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
In reply to Post #1384
I bought some kangaroo condoms today.
They're for the gland down under.
They're for the gland down under.
My girlfriend wanted me to give her a messy facial.
So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
In reply to Post #1392
Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi
Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi
In reply to Post #1393
In reply to Post #1394
1)Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
2)The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
3)I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.....
4)My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
5)I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
6)After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on!
7)I woke up this morning at 8am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I re member ed McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
8)Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
9)The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you honey. All the others kept me awake all night!"
10)My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
11) A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
12) A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
13)I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
1)Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
2)The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
3)I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.....
4)My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
5)I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
6)After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “**** it, soldier on!
7)I woke up this morning at 8am, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I re member ed McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
8)Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
9)The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you honey. All the others kept me awake all night!"
10)My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
11) A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
12) A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
13)I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
In reply to Post #1395
I stayed in a Premier Inn last night with the family. I went to reception and said “I hope the pornography on the TV is disabled”. The receptionist shouted at me, “you sick *******, it's normal porn”
A priest was caught masturbating by his altar boy.He said,"what are you doing father?" "Its called .......,he replied,"you'll be doing this soon." "Why,father?"he asked.Because my arms f..king killing me. 
In reply to Post #1398
I was on the ghost train at my local funfair last night.
Should of heard the kids screaming for all they were worth.
Anyone would think they'd never seen a cock before.........
I was on the ghost train at my local funfair last night.
Should of heard the kids screaming for all they were worth.
Anyone would think they'd never seen a cock before.........
I called the R.S.P.C.A today and said,"ive just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs,"
"That's terrible,"she replied."Are they moving?" "I'm not sure,to be honest,"i said,"But that would explain the suitcase."
"That's terrible,"she replied."Are they moving?" "I'm not sure,to be honest,"i said,"But that would explain the suitcase."
For me,sex is like spreading butter on toast.Its possible with a credit card ,but much easier with a knife
Paddy goes to the florist and says,id like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "certainly,what are you after?"Paddy says,"A tit w..k and maybe one up the arse
In reply to Post #1400
That is very, very funny
That is very, very funny