"I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked.
"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked.
"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.
In reply to Post #1265
Buying a Lasagne in Britain is a lot like trying to pick out a prostitute in Thailand.
You know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.
You know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.
Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where's Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They're Up In Bed”
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where's Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They're Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where's Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They're Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.
Grandmother: “What Give's? Every Time I Tell You They're Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead
Little Johnny: “Where's Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They're Up In Bed”
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where's Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They're Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where's Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They're Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.
Grandmother: “What Give's? Every Time I Tell You They're Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead
In reply to Post #1272
In reply to Post #1272
Two Women were chatting in office..
Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??
Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??
Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??
Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??
Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the fcuking house
Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??
Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??
Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??
Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??
Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the fcuking house
My wife wants me to have a chat with our son because she caught him watching gay porn.
He said, "Dad, it said it was football, I didn't know."
"That's ok, son," I smiled. "Tell me this, what do you hate the most?"
He replied, "Cricket, why?"
"No reason," I said, changing my porn file name to 'Fastest Spin Bowlers'.
He said, "Dad, it said it was football, I didn't know."
"That's ok, son," I smiled. "Tell me this, what do you hate the most?"
He replied, "Cricket, why?"
"No reason," I said, changing my porn file name to 'Fastest Spin Bowlers'.
a horse walks into a bar,the bartender asks why the long face,the horse incapable of understanding the human language promply sh1ts on the floor and leaves..
In reply to Post #1277
A Catholic walks into a Mosque - the Imam asks "Why the wrong faith?"
A Catholic walks into a Mosque - the Imam asks "Why the wrong faith?"
My wife said to me, "Ian,
make me feel like I'm 15 again".
So I ate a pack of Scampi Fries and made her sniff my fingers.
make me feel like I'm 15 again".
So I ate a pack of Scampi Fries and made her sniff my fingers.
In reply to Post #1278
thats very good!
thats very good!
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.
My mate Dave asked me what I had bought for Mothers Day.
"Stockings, silky underwear, lube, a few new sex toys to try out and have booked a room for the two of us at the Hilton."
"Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate mate?" He replied.
"Oh no its not for my Mum mate, it's all for yours."
"Stockings, silky underwear, lube, a few new sex toys to try out and have booked a room for the two of us at the Hilton."
"Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate mate?" He replied.
"Oh no its not for my Mum mate, it's all for yours."
I was in the pub with my mate last night when he walked off to the toilet leaving his phone on the table.As i was just about to up date his face book status,it started ringing and i could see it was my wife's number,"Hello"i said,answering it."Hey sexy"she purred,"i'm currently masturbating on the bed and i want you to come here and .f--k me." "you silly bitch,"i said,"Why didn't you just ring my phone?"