Walking down the street the other night, I witnessed 5 guys jump out of an alleyway and beat up a woman. Once they ran off, I ran over to the victim who was covered in blood and asked her what I should do

"Are you having a fukcing laugh" she screamed

"Sorry" I said "It's just, I've never witnessed anything like this before and I have no idea what to do"

Anyway, the next day I discovered that the poor woman had died of her injuries and I was kicked out of the police force!

Was enjoying a pizza with my girlfriend the other night when she suddenly announced she loved it up the arse. Good job i'd already eaten half of it....

So the popes ring will be destroyed later tonight.
Well they say what goes around comes around.

In reply to Post #1224

In reply to Post #1227
a government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor!!!!!

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

Lesbian seeks similar for relationship. Must like fish fingers and eating out.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

I'm not saying my wife is easy to please but when I put my hand in her knickers to finger her, it's like feeding a sugar lump to a horse.

Everybody seems to be on Katie Price's back at the moment.

I presume that's to stop falling into the large hole at the front.

In reply to Post #1231
3 gooden their Martin

I was sat on a bus coming home and a gorgeous bird next to me started breast feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!" About 10 minutes later, the baby's still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man" So I said "Listen love, can you make your fukcing mind up, I should've got off 4 stops ago!"

"I want to try anal", I said to my wife.

"But i've been having sex with an @rsehole for years", she replied.

In reply to Post #1235

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!