In reply to Post #1191

An old Italian guy goes into the confession box "father,during the war i rescued a beautiful Jewish girl from the Nazis and hide her in my attic.
To show her gratitude she used to shag me every night and give me 2 blow jobs on a Sunday."
"My son"said the priest,"it was a very difficult time in our lives and you shouldn't feel so guilty"
"I know"said the old guy,"but should l tell her the war is over".

Please give to comic relief.just £5 can help teach an African how to tell the difference between an intruder and their f--king girlfriend.

"I fcuked the wife up the arse last night, pulled out, then she took my load straight in her mouth, beat that!" said Dave.

"Well I only shagged my missus once in a Blue Moon!" I replied.

"And what so impressive about that?" he snorted.

"We never were allowed in that pub again."

I read a while back that the plastic used to make ping-pong balls is highly toxic, so I've been painting them brown and feeding them to my wife, disguised as meatballs in order to kill her.

I hope it works.

If not, I'll have a hell of a time trying to drown the bitch.

In reply to Post #1198

What's got one leg and ruins other people's lives?

Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills.

*For Sale*

30 pairs of Katie Price's knickers.

All still in original packaging.

I was sitting down on the floor having a dump the other day as usual. When someone walked in and told me what a toilet is for I almost fell off my stool.

a boy walked in on his mam and dad having sex, his dad said were making you a brother/sister,the boy replies,do her doggy style id rather have a puppy

In reply to Post #1203

After a date with a homeless girl, I took her back to mine and said "would you like to spend the night here?"

"I would love to" she said.

"Great," I replied, "well just make yourself feel at home."

She gave me a look of disgust and slept in the garden.

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit" The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my d1ck I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b@stard!!"

Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

In reply to Post #1207