In reply to Post #1027
In reply to Post #1029
Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest.
2nd goes to Peter Odemwingie.
Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest.
2nd goes to Peter Odemwingie.
I started my first day as a telephone operator for The Suicide Helpline this morning and I had a call from some guy.
He said, "I'm currently walking towards a railway track deciding on whether or not to get hit by a train and end my life."
"Don't do it," I said, "Do you think that you could hold the line for just a minute?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Well, do that then," I said, "Electrocuting yourself is a much manlier way to go."
He said, "I'm currently walking towards a railway track deciding on whether or not to get hit by a train and end my life."
"Don't do it," I said, "Do you think that you could hold the line for just a minute?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Well, do that then," I said, "Electrocuting yourself is a much manlier way to go."
As the doctors rushed about in the operating room, my head was in a daze. Slowly but surely I could feel my life ebbing away. The lads holidays I'm going to miss, spontaneous piss ups a long distant thing of the past, so many unfulfilled dreams that would never happen.
As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.
"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.
"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
Bob is shaving in the bathroom when his adopted teenage son comes in to take a piss. Even though he tries not to look, Bob can't help notice that the boy has an enormous dick.
"Where the fcuk did you get that from, Johnny?" says Bob.
"My dick?" says Johnny. "Well, every time I get into bed with a chick I bang my cock five times on the edge of the bed, been doing it for years."
Bob just can't get this out of his mind all day, so when he eventually decides to join his wife in bed, he bangs his cock five times on the edge of the bed.
"Careful, Johnny," says his wife. "Bob's still around somewhere."
"Where the fcuk did you get that from, Johnny?" says Bob.
"My dick?" says Johnny. "Well, every time I get into bed with a chick I bang my cock five times on the edge of the bed, been doing it for years."
Bob just can't get this out of his mind all day, so when he eventually decides to join his wife in bed, he bangs his cock five times on the edge of the bed.
"Careful, Johnny," says his wife. "Bob's still around somewhere."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.
In reply to Post #1033
In reply to Post #1033
In reply to Post #1036
A Palestine model was shot dead in Israel today.
Hope it wasn't Grommit!
A Palestine model was shot dead in Israel today.
Hope it wasn't Grommit!
Valentines Day:
Dinner: £70
Drinks: £50
Taxi: £20
Hotel: £300
The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period.. PRICELESS
The look on her face when you shove it up her ass.. EPIC
Dinner: £70
Drinks: £50
Taxi: £20
Hotel: £300
The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period.. PRICELESS
The look on her face when you shove it up her ass.. EPIC
British Humour
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
Was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn
To politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair
Reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
Was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn
To politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair
Reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
I was the driving examiner for a nice young lady, and I said, "This test will last about 40 minutes."
"That's quite long," she moaned. "Can it be done any faster?"
"Sure love," I winked. "How about a blowjob and I'll give you a pass."
"Just fcuk off Dad, you said you'd be helpful."
"That's quite long," she moaned. "Can it be done any faster?"
"Sure love," I winked. "How about a blowjob and I'll give you a pass."
"Just fcuk off Dad, you said you'd be helpful."
In reply to Post #1040
In reply to Post #1039
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pu$$y?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then