The wife said to me, "I bet you can't go one whole day without cracking a joke about my periods."

"You're on," I said.

One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting.

"Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!"

Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots.

"You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots."

The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick.

The rabbit cries, laughs, cries, laughs, cries, laughs ...

"Why are you crying?" says the lion.

"It hurts," says the rabbit.

"And why the fcuk are you laughing?" says the lion.

"I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms.

In reply to Post #925

In reply to Post #925

I don't know why there's all that fuss about Tesco's "horse meat" beef burgers.

Carling's been made out of donkey's piss for years!

In reply to Post #928
After Tesco's horesmeat scandal they have now found traces of zebra in there barcodes.

Since it started snowing the wife keeps on looking through the window.....If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in!

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup,
he has bought himself a new telly.

I was in Asda earlier, this thick fcuking chav bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"

"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.

"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.

"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought fcuk it, I'll pay by card.

"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.

"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.

I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.

"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.

I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

Don't fcuk with a tired Irishman...

That is all.

This morning, I spent an hour digging out the car because of the snow. I then spent a further hour digging the road clear to get my car out of the street. On getting onto the street, my car broke down, so I abandoned it and walked the seven miles to work.

At one point I had to take shelter in a bus stop as the blizzards were that bad they were forcing me back, but I still pushed on. Finally, two hours late I arrived for work, to be greeted by my boss.

"Bloody hell Dave, I'm surprised you're here. I wouldn't have minded if you didn't come in with all this snow" he said.

"Well" I said, "My wife made me come in."

"Really?" he asked. "What did she say?"

"Don't bother going to work, we can spend all day in bed."

In reply to Post #933
















(Reels pls. now)

In reply to Post #932

Katie Price's dad dropped the phone and rushed to her house with his snow shovel, expecting to have to dig her out of massive snow drifts.

It turned out, Katie misunderstood when her dad had asked how many inches she's had.

In reply to Post #936

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today.