Tesco's are bringing out a new range of beef burgers called Fernando Torres............100% Pony.

A stranger text me last night asking me to meet him in the woods so he could see my penis.


The weirdo never turned up!!

In reply to Post #910

In reply to Post #911
post 904 brilliant

What's a pelican, an ostrich and the HM Revenue got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse!

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks

In reply to Post #913
especially just after paying my corporation tax to the tramps

Apparently the Met Office have issued a red snow warning. If that's anything like what I've heard about yellow snow then I'm staying inside.

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel,blankets,sleeping bag,extra clothing,including a scarf,hat,gloves,24hrs supply of food and drink,de-icer,rock salt,torch,tow rope,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads.I looked a right c--t on the bus this morning.

Apparently,some of the horses were molested before being put into the burgers at Tesco.
police are asking people who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.........

In reply to Post #904


Chocked on my tea with that one

A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.

Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"

The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.

As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.

The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."

The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"

"Sure did, Dad. I got a f_ck for a duck, a duck for a f_ck, and 24 bucks for a f_cked-up duck

In reply to Post #920

In reply to Post #921
gettin decent again this thread been some funny stuff