"It won't be long before we're having sex again!" I told the wife. "I've bought some tablets that'll finally give me an erection."

"Oh babe, when can we start?" she winked.

"As soon as they start working!" I smiled, "So here, take two now, they're slimming pills."

In reply to Post #879
Boom!!!!

I can't wait to tell her that one later

"Put your arms up, it makes it better."

Great when you're at a theme park, quite off putting when you're fingering Katie Price.

In reply to Post #881

I had to get my wife a birthday present so dashed down to the High St. today. Jessops shut. HMV shut. Comet shut. Ann Summers open.

**** it, I'll stick a tenner in her card.

I said to a Polish friend at work, "Can you lend me any cash till payday?"

He said, "What we talking?"

Typical, I thought, first mention of money and he no longer speaks English.

Got the lads from the AA to tow me home in the snow last night..

it was a right laugh 6 pissed up guy's pulling me on a sledge

In reply to Post #884




#885

Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,just checked the date on mine and..........Their off.

Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they're fairly low in fat,but surprisingly high in Shergar,What are the odds in that?

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some burgers.

So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Tesco aren't the only supermarkets selling meat from horses.

I've been buying My Lidl Pony for years now.

My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.....every time I take them down there's a f--king protest!

Took a bird home after night clubbing last night and after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs.

While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed that said 'i hope thats not that fat bitch from last week'.

The bird said what the f**k was that?!

I said its that b@stard memory foam mattress...

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your @rses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are p1ssed off about the two-hour delay, please see the fcuking bitch in the kitchen.