On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that fcuking ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive!

In reply to Post #849

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.All his professionalism goes right out the window...He tells her to take off her pants,she does,and he starts rubbing her thighs."Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?",she replies,"Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies,"Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

In reply to Post #851

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

I fcuked a chick with OCD the other day. She liked to do stuff in alphabetical order, So we started with Anal then to the Blowjob, then Cowgirl leading to Doggy.. Then I got up n got dressed, at this point she started yelling at me but I said I've done E n Ejaculated so now I'm doing F, G and H to which she asked whats that ?? So I replied
- Fcuking Going Home

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he
pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it
to the rancher. "See this f@cking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers
given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up
and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and
yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F@CKING BADGE!"

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to showit to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!

What's the difference between my wife and a cart horse?

The horse doesn't kick when you whack your load on its back.

In reply to Post #857

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone."its what he would have wanted"!!
.

LFC have decided to appeal the 2 red cards Howard Webb will give them against Man Utd on Sunday.

The missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits.
She returned home relieved to be told it was her belly botton

I was watching the undateables last night and there was a blonde girl on it who due to a stroke a few years ago,now struggles to talk and start conversation.
Undateable? She's perfect.

In reply to Post #861