When my mate and I walked into an 'anything goes' club in Amsterdam, we couldn't believe our eyes:
I said, "I'm so f**king horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."
"Yeah, me too" he smiled.
"F**k off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."
I said, "I'm so f**king horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."
"Yeah, me too" he smiled.
"F**k off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."
For the women who have heavy periods, there's bodyform.
For men who have to put up with them, there's chloroform.
For men who have to put up with them, there's chloroform.
Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.
Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly sucking on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"
The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."
Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.
Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly sucking on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"
The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."
Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think
In reply to Post #836
I saw David and Victoria Beckham at a party last night.
I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind."
"I'm not." he replied.
I said, "So what's with the white stick?"
I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind."
"I'm not." he replied.
I said, "So what's with the white stick?"
In reply to Post #838
2 parrots sitting on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish?
2 parrots sitting on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish?
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fcuker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fcuker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!
A guy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear,
"I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty
The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear,
"I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty
In reply to Post #840
In reply to Post #840
In reply to Post #1
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories.
In reply to Post #844
Two guys were in bed together, that had been going at it all day.
One of the chaps gets out of bed and said to the other.
'' I'm going to the toilet, now don't have a **** while I'm gone''
'' ok I promise I won't ''
When the chap returns from the toilet he discovers cum on the ceiling, all over the walls and all over the bed sheets, he turns to his boyfriend and said. '' how could you, you promised me that you wouldn't **** while I was gone, get out we are finished I never want to see you again''
'' I didn't ****, all I did was fart''
Two guys were in bed together, that had been going at it all day.
One of the chaps gets out of bed and said to the other.
'' I'm going to the toilet, now don't have a **** while I'm gone''
'' ok I promise I won't ''
When the chap returns from the toilet he discovers cum on the ceiling, all over the walls and all over the bed sheets, he turns to his boyfriend and said. '' how could you, you promised me that you wouldn't **** while I was gone, get out we are finished I never want to see you again''
'' I didn't ****, all I did was fart''
In reply to Post #844
In reply to Post #840
I went to school and i was taught that:
Pussy meant a cat, Sex meant a gender, Bitch is a female dog, Dick was a name, Bang was a sound, Rubber was an eraser, head meant a part of the body, 69 was just a number.
And then i came across all you dirty b@stards and my education was ruined.
Pussy meant a cat, Sex meant a gender, Bitch is a female dog, Dick was a name, Bang was a sound, Rubber was an eraser, head meant a part of the body, 69 was just a number.
And then i came across all you dirty b@stards and my education was ruined.