My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it

Hi Lads
I've been in hospital.
Just to let you know that im back home.
The doctors think that I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicssilicovalcanoconiosis,but at the moment its hard to say.

I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier..

After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi.

My kids keep taking the pi$$ out of my alzheimer's. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas and find no eggs under the bonfire.

i phoned up the fishing helpline today and said
im crap at fishing , can you give me some tips,
the man said , okay , can you hold the line,
i replied no

"Why do men always fall asleep after they cum?", asked my wife.

"I don't know", I replied, struggling to open my eyes.

"Well, get off the toilet, I need a sh1t."

The missus packed my bags and kicked me out last week.
As I walked down the garden path she shouted "I hope you live a miserable life and die a slow painful death you ****!"
"Make your bloody mind up, do you want me to go or not?"

In reply to Post #733

In reply to Post #734

I was in town shopping today and stopped a woman in the street.

"Excuse me love, have you any idea where I can get a decent jumper?"

"Have you tried Fat Face?" she replied.

"Good idea," I said.

"Do you know anywhere?" I said, turning to my wife.

I ran my hands over her breasts, untied her legs, spread them and lifted them in the air to reveal her waiting juicy hole, I pushed in as much as I could until she could take no more.....

































Right that's the turkey stuffed now to peel the potatoes....

In reply to Post #734
Pmsl

Went to the doctors yesterday suffering from premature ejaculation. Doctor said, "This must be very stressful for your wife." I said,

"To be honest it's getting on her tits."

My wife was dressing for work and said..."How come your cock doesn't get as hard it used to?"

as she tucked her tits into her knickers!