One of Britain's first ever sex-swap patients has been awarded the MBE.
Missing Bell End?
Missing Bell End?
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel
to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be fcukin alive
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel
to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be fcukin alive
In reply to Post #713
two idiots sitting in the pub discussing there next adventure
a bloke sitting nearby says , sorry , i couldnt help overhearing you discussing going
to the sun in a spacehip.
do you not realise that as you get close to it you will disintergrate because of the
intense heat it produces.
ah yes , weve already thought of that says the idiot, and thats why weve decided to go at night
two idiots sitting in the pub discussing there next adventure
a bloke sitting nearby says , sorry , i couldnt help overhearing you discussing going
to the sun in a spacehip.
do you not realise that as you get close to it you will disintergrate because of the
intense heat it produces.
ah yes , weve already thought of that says the idiot, and thats why weve decided to go at night
My mum caught me going through her knicker drawer last night.
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.
"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."
"I thought you was being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"
I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.
"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."
"I thought you was being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"
I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."
Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked "What am I getting for Christmas?"
She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This"
I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.
She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This"
I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.
The wife came downstairs the other night just after having a bath and said to me,"I've just shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"I replied " Yeah fu**ing plugs blocked again."
In reply to Post #1
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** R...on, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did....
And then she said,
"Do whatever you want.
So . . . .
here I am !
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** R...on, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did....
And then she said,
"Do whatever you want.
So . . . .
here I am !
In reply to Post #718
It's freezing cold outside, frost and fog everywhere.
But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive?
But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive?
In reply to Post #720
cruel , but ****ing funny
cruel , but ****ing funny
"Why are your eyes red?" I asked my teenage son.
"I've been smoking dope, Dad," he said.
So I punched him in the face. The lying little emo ****er's been crying again.
"I've been smoking dope, Dad," he said.
So I punched him in the face. The lying little emo ****er's been crying again.
So the world is due to end on the 21st of December...
I hope I'm sitting next to Alex Ferguson when it happens, as he'll get 10 minutes longer than everyone else.
I hope I'm sitting next to Alex Ferguson when it happens, as he'll get 10 minutes longer than everyone else.
I've got my hands full with my new Lesbian neighbours.
Binoculars in one, cock in the other.
Binoculars in one, cock in the other.
In reply to Post #724
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy
cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra
and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her
pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it
on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.
'I'll bet you feel good' she continued.
'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17
I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the
National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000
and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that
and I thought she would get up and go.
But she took my hand off her thigh and put it
up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm
as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again she said, 'I'll bet you do.
In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have.
In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds
left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half
of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping
past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of
would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored
a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds
'til full time. We were still behind by one point,
but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,
more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under
her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp
of soft cotton and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man:
Have you ever felt such a perfect c@nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered,
'I missed the kick.' !!
cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra
and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her
pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it
on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.
'I'll bet you feel good' she continued.
'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17
I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the
National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000
and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that
and I thought she would get up and go.
But she took my hand off her thigh and put it
up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm
as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again she said, 'I'll bet you do.
In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have.
In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds
left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half
of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping
past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of
would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored
a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds
'til full time. We were still behind by one point,
but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,
more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under
her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp
of soft cotton and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man:
Have you ever felt such a perfect c@nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered,
'I missed the kick.' !!