In reply to Post #665

"So," I asked, "Are you still on for a cock up your arse later?"

My wife looked shocked, "I can't believe you just asked me that in front of the whole pub!"

"Really?" I replied. "I can't believe you thought I was talking to you. Come on Ron. Let's get out of here."

Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner to me....sitting at the table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more.....!!

In reply to Post #668

Santa say's to his elf "i am getting sick of this .Its the same old sh-t every year.Running around like a c--t,in this stupid red costume,and at the end of it all l always end up with is nowt."The elf say's"Now you Know how Steven Gerrard Feels".

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breath test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy.

dp

The doctor has advised me to avoid saturated fat.

So I've stopped shagging the missus in the shower.

Paddy goes to a florist & says "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"Paddy says "A t1t w@nk..!

In reply to Post #674

Ladbrokes must be sh**ting themselves right now.

If Des O'Connor is next, I've landed a 7 paedo accumulator.

In reply to Post #1
I Was in the pub chatting to a nice lady when she says do you fancy a bit in the car, well what could I say apart from bloody hell yeah. One thing led to another when a policeman knocked on the window and says what's going on in there, well the Women went mad shouting and screaming at the copper. At which point the copper arrests me for............having an offensinve person on my weapon!!!!!!

l was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when i asked,"how are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," She said.
"Bit of a player in your day?" l laughed.

"no," "my dad had no arms!!"

The worst letter i've ever wrote:

Dear Jim ,please can you fix it for me to go on its a knock out!.

So Rio Ferdinand has had a coin thrown at him by a Manchester City supporter...It's a case of 'The fan hitting the ****'.