When i heard Stephen Hawking had reached 70,I thought,F--k me that's one powerful wheelchair....!!

My girlfriend walked in last night to see me sitting on the sofa, arms crossed.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

I said, "Have you seen the size of that **** you left down the toilet?"

"Sorry, I forgot to flush," she replied. "Is it big?"

"Yes, it's twice the size of my penis!" I said. "I've been asking you for anal for months!"

My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine.But he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee
Unfortunately Lorraine died.At her funeral he stood up and sang."I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

In reply to Post #594
Deirdre. the original joke, as it were, was about deirdre & lorraine.

actually, it was a story given on an old capital radio show spoof of radio 1`s "our tune" i think.

In reply to Post #595
You learn something new every day Brian

In reply to Post #596
i cannot hear that song without those alternative lyrics coming to my mind!!

i can see deirdre now lorraine has gone....

In reply to Post #597
"Cheers for that",can't stop f--king singing it know,played it loud so my daughter and missus could hear and now they are doing my head in with it

Gianfranco Zola says he hates the chelsea ''merry-go-round'' management system.Probably because he's too small to go on it.

In reply to Post #597
Didn't they also do 'bald headed woman' in the tune of 'more than a woman' Brian?

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In reply to Post #605
I'm at the doctors surgery,and they don't know why I have this rather nasty rash on my ********.Guess I'II have to wait for the doctor now,these other patients are f--king clueless.