In reply to Post #423
seriously?!?

In reply to Post #1
Sori guys

Condoms don't necessarily guarantee safe sex anymore......a friend of mine was wearing one when he was beaten up by his birds husband.

The police force were having problems getting recruits so they had a recruitment drive. An englishman, scotsman and an irishman went to join. First in was the englishman and the sergeant says tommy if you can answer one question your in. Who killed John F Kennedy. The englishman says Lee Harvey Oswald. Sergeant says your in go through to the back and get your uniform. Next man in is Jock seargeant
asks him who killed JFK. The scotsman says Lee Harvey Oswald. Same thing go through to the back get your uniform. Paddy walks in and the sergeant says we are having problems recruiting for the peelers get this one question right and your in. Who killed John F Kennedy? Paddy looks quizzically and answers I don't know. The sergeant says ok go through to the back and think about it. On the way Paddy meets the englishman and scotsman dressed in police uniform. They say look Paddy we haven't been in the police five minutes and we are on traffic duty. Paddy replies by Jesus I'm not even in yet and I'm on a murder enquiry...

In reply to Post #424

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"
"This is my lottery win" said the photographer "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied "two million dollars".

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper "they must have seen you coming!...

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair.....The missus bought a Paperback

down W H Smith, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T'was “fifty shades of grey”.


Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.....

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and...
Said.... I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ....
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left t.t!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,....
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

When will these Jimmy savile allegations ever end?Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.

In reply to Post #432

In reply to Post #432

I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice


.Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.

"Rooney to be given armband on Friday."

By next week he's hoping to be able to retreive bricks from the deep end.

In reply to Post #435
while he had both hands on youre shoulders

In reply to Post #437

In reply to Post #439
Extract from Shades of grey....



He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again.

Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now.

Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!

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> "Oh! Okay! park the freaking car yourself you SMUG B!!!!!!!!!"