chinese man rings boss "me no work i sick" boss says "when im sick i fcuk my wife try that" 2hours later chinese man rings back "me better, you got nice house

In reply to Post #275

Text the missus to see what she was up to, she said Gavin from autoglass was injecting his special resin into her crack.. Now i'm not normally a suspicious person, but i've got the car!

In reply to Post #277
I posted that one a while back,still makes me chuckle reading it again though.....

In reply to Post #278
ah did ya.. classic aint it :D

I was talking to Andy Gray earlier. He told me FIFA 13 is so realistic that when it rains you get to see Sian Masseys nipples through her shirt.

I have a little Sat nav
It sits there in my car
- A Sat nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are -

I have a little Sat nav
I'll have it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Sat nav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other road user
Has this advanced device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's very fraught
So why don't I just trade it in
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
And makes sure I am fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed

Despite all these advantages
I know I've friends who scoff
The truth is I can't find the way
To turn the damned thing off.

a thug,a racist,an adulterer and a footballer walk in to a pub.
the barman says,"what can i get you Mr Terry?"

Sky Reporter "So Peter, What would you be if you weren't a footballer?"..Peter Crouch "A Virgin".

In reply to Post #283
paul gascoine been spotted in essex with a tin of whiskers

I'm not exactly saying my mate's good with the women... but put it this way - he's seen more f**cking t**t than John terrys bathroom mirror.

A man wanted to have sex with his secretary, he said to her, i will give you 1000 dollar i will throw it on the floor you will bend down and i will be through before you pick it. The woman called her husband on phone and told him about it. The husband says, ask him for 3000 dollar and make sure you pick the money fast before he zips down. After waiting for the wife's call about 1hr the husband calls and asked what hapened? the wife replied. Honey call me back please, The Idiot used Coins!!!

I took a girl back to my flat last night and we done it doggy style all night.We didn't plan it that way, that's just how she passed out.

I thought i'd be nice and buy the wife some lingerie."Thanks honey but this is a girls training bra" she said,"I know", i replied "i was hoping we could re-train yours, they're down to your knee's

Shall we go back to my place, then?" I asked the girl in the bar. "But I hardly know you!" she protested. I stared at her. "You've not been a prostitute for long have you?"