In reply to Post #2
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument? - A bass drum.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument? - A bass drum.
In reply to Post #2683
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall - “Dam!”
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall - “Dam!”
In Ireland, a young kid sits sobbing his heart out on his doorstep. A man walks past as says "What's the matter child?" "It's me mam", the kid wails "She's just died." "Sweet mother of Jesus, that is bad news" replied the man, "Shall I call a priest?" "No, it's alright" replied the kid, "I'm pretty upset as it is and don't want a sore bum as well!"
In reply to Post #2698
Bloke goes to the sperm bank with his wife, they are trying for kids and he can't get her pregnant. He decides to go for some tests.
Doctor comes over “if you would like to go in the cubicle over there and get me a sample in this bottle we will get It analysed. There are some magazines on the side if you need them”
His wife and the doctor are waiting outside. After 10 minutes of banging and clattering and all kinds of moaning noises his wife knocks on the door “have you done it yet?
“No”he replies “go away and keep quite, I am trying to concentrate”
After another 5 minutes the doctor knocks on the door, “are you alright in there?
Go away he says, I am trying my best, they stood waiting...
After another 5 minutes the door finally flys open and he staggers out of the cubicle dripping in sweat.“Well doctor, i can't believe this, I've had it in my left hand, I've had it in my right hand, I have even had it in my mouth, I also trapped it in the gap of the door and I still can't get the lid off this ****ing bottle
Bloke goes to the sperm bank with his wife, they are trying for kids and he can't get her pregnant. He decides to go for some tests.
Doctor comes over “if you would like to go in the cubicle over there and get me a sample in this bottle we will get It analysed. There are some magazines on the side if you need them”
His wife and the doctor are waiting outside. After 10 minutes of banging and clattering and all kinds of moaning noises his wife knocks on the door “have you done it yet?
“No”he replies “go away and keep quite, I am trying to concentrate”
After another 5 minutes the doctor knocks on the door, “are you alright in there?
Go away he says, I am trying my best, they stood waiting...
After another 5 minutes the door finally flys open and he staggers out of the cubicle dripping in sweat.“Well doctor, i can't believe this, I've had it in my left hand, I've had it in my right hand, I have even had it in my mouth, I also trapped it in the gap of the door and I still can't get the lid off this ****ing bottle
In reply to Post #2
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no ******* bike!"...
Boris Johnson... 
In reply to Post #2702
Keir Starmer
Keir Starmer
In reply to Post #2703
3 bloke talking one said the fastest thing must be electricity because you switch the light switch and the light comes on straight away
2nd one says no its got to be sound thats the fastest you open your mouth say something and the sound is instant
the 3rd man say nope your both wrong its got to be Diarrhea thats the fastest
the other 2 laughed and said how do you explain that ?
well last night I woke up in the night with Diarrhea and before I could turn the light on or shout I had **** myself
3 bloke talking one said the fastest thing must be electricity because you switch the light switch and the light comes on straight away
2nd one says no its got to be sound thats the fastest you open your mouth say something and the sound is instant
the 3rd man say nope your both wrong its got to be Diarrhea thats the fastest
the other 2 laughed and said how do you explain that ?
well last night I woke up in the night with Diarrhea and before I could turn the light on or shout I had **** myself
A woman go's into a bar, throws her arm in the air showing very hairy armpits and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", you could hear a pin drop, the drunk at the other end of the bar shouts "give the ballerina a drink", a while later she does the same again, throws her arm in the air and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", the drunk calls the barman and says give the ballerina a drink, barman whispers to the drunk its your money and your choice but why do you call her a ballerina? drunk replies any woman that throw her legs that high must be a ballerina.
Some Johovah Witnesses knocked on Paddy's door. He said he didn't know there was an accident!
Did you hear about the Jewish Detective who had a tip-off?
I once took my car to a Jewish garage to have it Simonized. When I picked it up a few hours later I found out they had chopped 3 inches off the exhaust pipe!
A dyslexic bloke was wondered around the piste not knowing what to do. He went up to a bloke and said, "I'm confused, am I supposed to zig-zag or is it zag-zig?" "Don't ask me", replied the bloke, "I'm a tobogganist". "Oh, I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please", he replied.
Did you hear about the Jewish Detective who had a tip-off?
I once took my car to a Jewish garage to have it Simonized. When I picked it up a few hours later I found out they had chopped 3 inches off the exhaust pipe!
A dyslexic bloke was wondered around the piste not knowing what to do. He went up to a bloke and said, "I'm confused, am I supposed to zig-zag or is it zag-zig?" "Don't ask me", replied the bloke, "I'm a tobogganist". "Oh, I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please", he replied.
A young guy starts work in a super store, manager says I'll serve a couple of customers so you get the idea on what to do, he asks a lady "can I help you" she wants a hose pipe, we have 10, 20, or a 30ft, she takes the 30, he says can I interest you in a lawn mower, "why" she asks, your going to water the lawn why not cut it, ok she buys a lawn mower.
He asks a guy the same question, he wants fertiliser, we have 5, 10, or 20KG bags, he buys the 10, when asked about the lawn mower he agrees with the reason and buys one.
Its now the youngsters turn, he asks a woman can I help you, she wants some tampons, he says we have 5, 10 or a 15 pack which one would you like, she takes the 15 pack, the youngster then asks would you like a lawn mower, she says why the hell would I want a lawn mower, he replies well, your weekend is f***** you may as well cut the grass.
He asks a guy the same question, he wants fertiliser, we have 5, 10, or 20KG bags, he buys the 10, when asked about the lawn mower he agrees with the reason and buys one.
Its now the youngsters turn, he asks a woman can I help you, she wants some tampons, he says we have 5, 10 or a 15 pack which one would you like, she takes the 15 pack, the youngster then asks would you like a lawn mower, she says why the hell would I want a lawn mower, he replies well, your weekend is f***** you may as well cut the grass.
I went fishing with Gazza. He gave me a chocolate bar and I ate it. "Oh Gazza", I said, "this taste of coconut". "Oh aye, it's bounty", he replied.
After the recent murders of Tony the Tiger, the Honey Monster and the Coco Pop Chimp, police believe that they are looking for a cereal killer!
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Responce:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Responce:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured
and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina