In reply to Post #2379

A woman goes to the doctor and says I think I'm pregnant will you examine me so I know for sure, OK says doc get your kit off and jump on this (pointing to the couch) after a brief fondle in all departments the doc says no....it's wind, thank you says woman and goes home to tell her husband, a week goes bye and she visits the doc again.....I'm sure I'm pregnant will you check again for me........after another fondle in the canyon and everywhere else he says no as I said before its wind.....oh OK she says.....goes home and tells the old fella the news.....NO NO that's not right I'll come with you....doc confirms to them both "its wind".......the old geezer says your 100% sure.....yes says the doc.....with that the fella slaps his bobby dangler on the desk and says.....what do you think this is.........a bloody bicycle pump.

Why are some people so thick . Was out with my dog today this bloke came up to me and said what's that ?
So I told him , it's a dog

I went down to the morgue to identify my wife's body when just before the Mortician lifted the sheet some gas escaped resulting in a farting sound.

"I'm sorry, " he said, "this happens sometimes. "

"No need to lift the sheet, " I replied, "I would recognise that smell anywhere. "

In reply to Post #2383

Sean Connery walks into a cake shop in Sauchiehall Street and says to the woman serving, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

The woman replies, "No your right, it's a macaroon"

I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.

I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called A couple of drinks with the girls after work.

Do you know what the first sign of Madness is ,
Suggs walking up you're drive

My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

In reply to Post #2388
£4m for Charlie Austin - Southampton are getting someone with experience - they'll not get lost next year driving to the other Championship grounds...

A major British snack food company has decided to honour Tim Peake's recent history-making space walk, by renaming one of their most popular biscuits after him.

McVities 'Gingernauts' will be available at all leading food retailers in the near future.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, he tests it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon, the son says, "I did maths at school." The robot slaps the son, the son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies.", dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Star Wars," the robot slaps the son, Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn," dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was," the robot slaps the father, mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son," the robot slaps the mum.
Robot for sale.

In reply to Post #2391

In reply to Post #2392
Guy had trouble getting erection,doc gave him prescription,wondered why girls in chemist were giggling,
When he got home he looked at box and it said,take one tablet each evening.......they were called
MICOXXAFLOPIN

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit and killed her stone dead on the spot.

Jesus looked towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."