Farmer Brown calls in a surveyor, good morning Mr Brown how can I help you? I want a conservatory like them there town houses, first of all you will need good footings, ooo ah I'll leave that to the builders, OK next you will need strong roof joists at 400mm centers to take the weight of snow etc, ah well the builders can look after that, I see you have an outside toilet will that be staying? ah ah oh yeah we've always had an outside thunder-box, well in that case you will have to have a lock on the door, o ah that's funny we've not had a bucket of s*** nicked in 20 years

A stunning blonde and an old git go's for a job as a lion tamer, the ringmaster say's who's first? I'll go says the blonde, she gets in the cage the door slams behind her the lion comes in roaring and snarling gets right up close to her when she throws off her coat to reveal a drop dead gorgeous body you'd die for, the lion lays down on the ground and crawls up to her then starts licking her all over, the ringmaster looks at the old git and says can you do that? yeah course i can but you gotta get that f****** lion out of there first.

In reply to Post #2274
Creosote for me , great over the fences

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream &
shouts: "Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss p**s an cow s**te."


The bloke says: "Sir, I am an illegal immigrant,can you
be speaking clearer, and slower please."


The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Both.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill ....Any"

Tel

A guy comes home from work mid afternoon to catch his wife and lover at it, he lives on the 11th floor of a tower block and the lift is out of action, he finally gets to his flat and bursts in shouting "WHERE IS HE " I'll kill him, looks around but nothing, just happens to look out of the kitchen window to see a man running from the block, he opens the window turns round looking for something to throw and decide its the fridge, as he launches it he collapses and dies.
Up at the pearly gates Peter stands waiting for him, how did you end up here? Peter was told the story ok you may entre, next was a guy with terrible head wounds, and you, said Peter? I was running for the bus so i wouldn't be late for the evening shift when crash and I'm here, ok said Peter go in, Peter was about to close the gate when he noticed a guy in a pair of underpants blue and shivering with cold, what are you doing here? well I was sitting in this fridge minding my own business.......

In reply to Post #2279
I know where that came from . Goodun innit

In reply to Post #2280
I don't know where it came from, I've known it for donkeys years

In reply to Post #2281
Tbh mate I heard ray winstone tell it the other night on some programme , thought you'd been watching it aswell

Cracker tho

In reply to Post #2282
I like Ray, especially in Vincent (apart from Scum)



I was walking past the chippie the other night and saw a tasty looking bird outside eating a bag of chips with her draws round her ankles, I said scuse me miss did you know your under-ctackers are round your ankles? OH GOD she said has he finished.

In reply to Post #2283
Bet she was a Geordie

A North American Indian boy sat chatting with his dad when he asks
How do we get our name pops?
It's your mother's decision, as you are born
mum looks around to see what's going on and chooses a name
like running bear, bald eagle, jumping fish and so on, why do you ask 2 dogs F******

In reply to Post #2285
Also , some people are named depending on what day it is when they were born ,
I e st George's day , they call them George
St Patrick's day , they call them Patrick
Something else I've taught you that is young pancake

In reply to Post #2286
I'm not Pancake, I'm Boxing

In reply to Post #2287
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

In reply to Post #2288