I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
Tel

In reply to Post #2243

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on
stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Tel

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn
baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave
it a dead leg instead.

Tel

In reply to Post #2248

Cracker

A bloke from a building site went into the pub, says to the barman....we just dug up a skeleton of a woman, barman asks how do you know it was a woman, the mouth was still open.

A dyslexic pimp just bought a warehouse

In reply to Post #2251
Brought myself satellite tv today,
Saving up for a rocket now so I can watch it

In reply to Post #2252

Two policemen call into the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes!"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Tel

In reply to Post #1
old tread but board ...cant believe after all that sh*t them two got back together ????me bum cheeks lol

In reply to Post #2255

Tel

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
This house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no
Way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
Door with a suitcase
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night
And heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£289,000 mortgage and no ****ing bike.

Tel

Spanish Maid
The Spanish maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Tel

I was staggering home from the pub the other night, and decided to take a short cut through the park. A woman came up to me in the shadows, and said "Fancy a shag luv"? Only twenty quid"

Well, I was drunk, I'd never been with a tart before, and it was only twenty quid, so I said yes.We were just getting into our stride when all of a sudden there was a flash of torch light and a cop's voice said "What's going on here, then?"

"I was just making love to my wife, Officer", I replied

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise" said the cop

"Neither did I until you shone your torch in her face!"

Tel