A lady go's into a butchers and asks for a duck, yes madam said the young man, he puts the duck on the counter, she sticks her finger up its arse then examines her finger and says that's not an Aylesbury duck, oh sorry madam I''ll see if we have one out the back, he returns with another duck, she does the same again, ah that's better I always have an Aylesbury duck when I come to this shop, you must be new here where are you from? the lad drops his strdes bends over and say's "your the expert you tell me" 
In reply to Post #2199
I went to the Doctor today and said I keep getting ignored, he shouts NEXT.
I went to the Doctor today and said I keep getting ignored, he shouts NEXT.
A nun is stopped in her car by the police, she winds down the window the cop winds down his zip, "Oh no" she said "not the Breathalyzer again"
In reply to Post #2200
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,
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"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,
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"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
In reply to Post #2204
In reply to Post #2205
Joke free year this year or something..?!
Joke free year this year or something..?!
In reply to Post #2206
Go on then
Go on then
I went to a new female dentist, after an examination she said one of my wisdom teeth will have to come out and she will give me a jab to kill the pain, i said needles are not for me , OK she said a whiff of gas will do it, no no that makes me sick, are you OK with pills? Oh yes that's fine, she gave me 2 little pills and said just relax,what pills are they? Viagra she said, I didn't know they are pain killers, she said they're not but they will give you something to hold on to when I yank the tooth out
In reply to Post #2208
I am going to try some different boilies this year
Cranberry Raspberry Apricot & Peach
something tells me I not going to do well on these
I am going to try some different boilies this year
Cranberry Raspberry Apricot & Peach
something tells me I not going to do well on these
In reply to Post #2209
Your right, it sounds like a load of ****
BTW
What kind of pan do you cook em in?
Your right, it sounds like a load of ****
BTW
What kind of pan do you cook em in?
In reply to Post #2210
One made by Royal Doulton
Tel
One made by Royal Doulton
Tel
In reply to Post #2211
Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
In reply to Post #2212
Why can't muslims watch tele?
Because of the teleban
Why can't muslims watch tele?
Because of the teleban
In reply to Post #2213
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS,
DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE,
DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY',
THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND? (I had never thought of that!)
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS,
DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE,
DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW
ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY',
THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND? (I had never thought of that!)