I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
In reply to Post #2109
Meteorologists now believe the dust cloud sweeping the country did not come from the sahara but sombody opening the arsenal trophy cabinet
Meteorologists now believe the dust cloud sweeping the country did not come from the sahara but sombody opening the arsenal trophy cabinet
In reply to Post #2110
i was expecting the wife to give me some **** last night after getting home late from the pub.
luckily tho she fed it to the dog
i was expecting the wife to give me some **** last night after getting home late from the pub.
luckily tho she fed it to the dog
In reply to Post #2110
i joined my local boxing club and the trainer suggested skipping to get my fitness levels up ,
after an hour or so he handed me a rope and said try useing this , you wont look so gay
after an hour or so he handed me a rope and said try useing this , you wont look so gay
Ryan giggs has said he's not interested in the Man U job and want time away from game to spend with his brothers family
What goes beep beep beep?
The Liverpool celebration open top bus reversing back into the garage!
The Liverpool celebration open top bus reversing back into the garage!
In reply to Post #2114
In reply to Post #2115
Quality mate....
That's a new one on me..
Quality mate....
That's a new one on me..
In reply to Post #2116
They gone from the chosen one to the cheating one..
They gone from the chosen one to the cheating one..
Breaking news David Moyes has just signed for SKY!!!
He starts fitting his first satellite dish on Monday
He starts fitting his first satellite dish on Monday
In reply to Post #2119
Golf or Sex?
A man is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"
Tel
Golf or Sex?
A man is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching channels to a movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch the couple or the golf game," he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"
Tel
In reply to Post #2120
Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO' store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn''t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO'.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.
Tel
Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO' store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn''t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO'.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.
Tel
In reply to Post #2121
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bob myself.'
_________________________
Tel
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said,
'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bob myself.'
_________________________
Tel
In reply to Post #2122
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we'are going to have to piss in the boat!!”
Well it made me chuckle!!
Tel
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we'are going to have to piss in the boat!!”
Well it made me chuckle!!
Tel