I came back from town to find my grandah sitting in the garden bollock naked from the waist down ........ so I asked him .... grandah what the f#ck you doing... get back into the house .....
he replied ..... well son I was sitting out here yesterday with nae shirt on and I got a stiff neck ......
so today .... this is yer grannys idea .
he replied ..... well son I was sitting out here yesterday with nae shirt on and I got a stiff neck ......
so today .... this is yer grannys idea .
Pub quiz in Glasgow.. "And the final question to win the £200 is;
Take Thats first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That" so what was the second two words. . .?
There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up...
Was it "Ya C#nt"...?!
Take Thats first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That" so what was the second two words. . .?
There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up...
Was it "Ya C#nt"...?!
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM".
Irish logic: job application
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"You no see it, like? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere ya go"
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I've no brain?"
The boss is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go, One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along, see, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when do I start, boss?
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"You no see it, like? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere ya go"
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I've no brain?"
The boss is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go, One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along, see, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when do I start, boss?
Where's the crap cracker jokes from the last couple of days..
Mine is
What does a vampire pour on his Xmas dinner?
Grave ie..
Mine is
What does a vampire pour on his Xmas dinner?
Grave ie..
In reply to Post #2068
The best one I came across was,
why did the mechanic sleep under his car?
he wanted to get up oily
The best one I came across was,
why did the mechanic sleep under his car?
he wanted to get up oily
In reply to Post #2065
my missus was sorting out some clothes the other day and said to me
" i've had this about six years now and it still fit's, so i can't have put any weight on"
i said "it's a ****ing scarf you fat cow"
" i've had this about six years now and it still fit's, so i can't have put any weight on"
i said "it's a ****ing scarf you fat cow"
In reply to Post #2071
In reply to Post #2071
Brilliant PMSL
Brilliant PMSL
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "
Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart
i hope it wont smell what should i do?" i replied Put new
batteries in yer hearing aids
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart
i hope it wont smell what should i do?" i replied Put new
batteries in yer hearing aids
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you got to feed him through real slow.
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you got to feed him through real slow.
Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.
And that he is "Still an arrogant German c**t."
(but really hope you get better)
And that he is "Still an arrogant German c**t."
(but really hope you get better)