A young lad and his grandpa go fishing one day. They set up next to the river and sit back in their camping chairs waiting for the fish to start to bite. After a while, the grandpa pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up. The kid is really interested and asks his grandpa if he can have one. Grandpa turns to the kid and says, "Can you touch your a***h*** with your penis?"

The boy replies that he can't.

"Well," says Grandpa, "then you're not old enough yet."

Another hour or so goes by and then Grandpa pulls out a can of beer. Again the boy is interested and asks if he could have some. Grandpa repeats his earlier question and says that he isn't old enough yet.

A little while later the boy opens his tackle box and takes out a packet of sweets. Grandpa looks over and thinks that he would like one.

"Can I have one of your sweets, son?"

The kid looks at Grandpa and says to him, "Can you touch your a***h*** with your penis?"

"I most certainly can!" says Grandpa.

To which the boy replies, "Well then go f*** yourself then, you old b******."

In reply to Post #2049

In reply to Post #2049

The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty....I watched all 50 minutes of it and didn't see her once! She's still not home and I'm getting hungry!!

I went to my premature ejaculation support group meeting today.But it turns out its tomorrow.

I bumped into an old school friend today.He started talking about his well paid job,and his expensive sports car,then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,"she's beautiful,isn't she?"I said,"if you think she's beautiful,you should see my wife!"
He said,"Why is she a stunner?"
I said, "no,she a f**king optician!"

'Hello, Is this the Police Station?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve police officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, jack pal". Lol.

In reply to Post #2055

I did not know Britain had begun a new space mission.

"Hello Euston, this is Apollo. The ceiling has landed."

In reply to Post #2057

In reply to Post #2058
Got my first Xmas card today from the Tourette's society.
Wasn't anything special,but it's the thought that ****s

I went tae the hospital wae a toilet brush stuck up my arse ...

what happened here sir .. asked the doctor ...

well pal .. i met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ...

ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things ???

naw pal i said ... ma f#ckin wife was hame

I went tae the local club last night ....

they played the twist ... I done the twist ...

they played ' jump around .. I jumped around

they played ' come on eileen .......

ehhh I got kicked oot and barred for that one

the misses said tae me ...

How do you never pull a cracker at Christmas ?
...

dunno I replied .. must be the ***** aftershave yae buy me every year

Today at the gym ... i found a hole in my trainer ...

big enough to put my finger in ..

she has made a formal complaint .... and im now banned fae the gym ..