Malcolm Tucker is the new Doctor.

I cant wait to see him tell a Dalek to go and **** its self.

Bet if you lost your t.v remote you'd try blame Rolf Harris, the man's nothing but nice. He once taught me how to milk a cow blind folded!

brought a tin of evaporated milk this morning , took it home and opened it and there was **** all in it

If you had the choice between Bill Gates fortune or ending poverty in Africa,what colour ferrari would you pick?

my wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head down the toilet.
she said,"stop pretending to be sick,you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said,"i'm not,i'm just getting use to the smell of p***."

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the ****ing manager of this pig****e middle class **** hole please you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of ****e, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ing window and I'm here to audition.....****er.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed ****, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just unloaded in your daughter's eye, and now the ****'s blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****box you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'

'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your **** is hanging out of your
trousers, and cum is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I ****ing wrote it !!!'

I managed to get blood from a stone yesterday,
took some scrubbing,but at least the evidence is gone.

Jose Mourinho- i'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies."
Stephen Hawking-i'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."

A bloke stopped me yesterday,asked for a rubbish tip,i told him,Arsenal to win the premiership.

As i watched the torment of the 2 girls in Peru charged with drug smuggling and facing 15 years in prison,the anguish etched across their faces.I couldn't help but think ........i'd shag the blonde one.

The only people who think bale is worth 94 million are those 2 girls in Peru.

A recent survey has shown that 1 out of every 5 people in the uk are racist.


The other 4 are filthy ....... immigrants.

In reply to Post #1957
I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?'

'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

“That ******* next door has still got my shovel'.