Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. ‘But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"

In reply to Post #1870

I've installed a two-way mirror in my daughter's bathroom, but I'm taking it back to the shop tomorrow.

All I can see is me looking stupid with my dick in my hand.

I just said hello to my neighbour who has Alzheimer's and Tourette's.

"Hello c*nt. Nice to see you" he said, "who are you? F**k off."

What does a perverted frog say? ...Rubbit.

I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend's stockings as she crossed her legs. So I whispered in her ear, "We know how this ends, so let's leave now before the final curtain. I've got plans for you."

She said, "We can't, it would be rude to get up and walk out."

I said, "Of course we can."

She said, "Dave, it's your wife's funeral.

In reply to Post #1873

In reply to Post #1873

In reply to Post #1875

In reply to Post #1875

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old
daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the
phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey
you haven't got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room
with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want
you to do:put the phone down onthe
table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom
door,and shout to mommy that daddy's car
has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the
phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of
the bed naked,ran round the room
screaming,tripp
ed over,and knocked her head
on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.
He jumped out the window into the
swimming pool,but I guess he didn't know
you emptied the water last week.He hit the
bottom and I think he's dead.”

After a really long pause this time...Daddy
says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a
swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713”
“Sorry wrong number....!!!!”

I can only fcuk the wife using a lubricant.

About 8 pints normally

just chatting to a fit bird in the pub and i asked her what her name was and she said carman, why i asked "because i like cars and men" whats your name she asked me "beer t1ts

"I shoved a firework up a rabbits @rse this weekend" said Little Johnny

"Johnny!" Exclaimed his teacher disgustingly, "Rectum"

Johnny replied "Yes it did, blew his boll**ks off Miss"