One day, three scientists were having a discussion about how much an elephant sh1ts in one year. The scientists all had very different opinions on this and decided that the only way to find out would be to do an experiment.
The experiment involved putting a cork into an elephants @rse and leaving it there for one year. All of the scientists agreed that this was a good way to measure how much the elephant would sh1t in one year. However, one of the scientists pointed out that once the cork is removed the explosion of sh1t could be imense. So in the year they spent waiting to remove the cork they trained a monkey to remove the cork.
The day had arrived to remove the cork, the monkey was in position and the scientists went to their positions.
The first one said,"I'm not taking any chances, I'm standing half a mile away!"
The second one insisted,"I think your still too close, I'm standing mile away!"
The third one announced,"Well I think your both crazy, I'm standing two miles away!"
With the scientists in position the monkey was instructed over radio to remove the cork. The elephant screamed and the explosion of sh1t was enormous. The scientist standing two miles away was covered up to his ankles in sh1t, thinking to himself,"This isn't too bad, could be worse."
He walked up to the second scientist who was up to his waist in sh1t. He was fuming, "I should have listened to you, look at me I'm up to my fcuking waist in elephant sh1t!"
They both walked up to the first scientist who was standing only half a mile away. He was covered up to his neck in sh1t but was giggling to himself. They said to him,"Why the hell are you laughing, your up to your neck in elephant sh1t... What's so funny?"
"I'm just thinking about the fcuking monkey", came the reply.
The experiment involved putting a cork into an elephants @rse and leaving it there for one year. All of the scientists agreed that this was a good way to measure how much the elephant would sh1t in one year. However, one of the scientists pointed out that once the cork is removed the explosion of sh1t could be imense. So in the year they spent waiting to remove the cork they trained a monkey to remove the cork.
The day had arrived to remove the cork, the monkey was in position and the scientists went to their positions.
The first one said,"I'm not taking any chances, I'm standing half a mile away!"
The second one insisted,"I think your still too close, I'm standing mile away!"
The third one announced,"Well I think your both crazy, I'm standing two miles away!"
With the scientists in position the monkey was instructed over radio to remove the cork. The elephant screamed and the explosion of sh1t was enormous. The scientist standing two miles away was covered up to his ankles in sh1t, thinking to himself,"This isn't too bad, could be worse."
He walked up to the second scientist who was up to his waist in sh1t. He was fuming, "I should have listened to you, look at me I'm up to my fcuking waist in elephant sh1t!"
They both walked up to the first scientist who was standing only half a mile away. He was covered up to his neck in sh1t but was giggling to himself. They said to him,"Why the hell are you laughing, your up to your neck in elephant sh1t... What's so funny?"
"I'm just thinking about the fcuking monkey", came the reply.
My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
I think judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is wa*king off to a porn film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 14 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
I think judging from experience - the worst possible thing in life is wa*king off to a porn film, your mum walking in and you quickly changing the tab to Facebook not realising your 14 year old sister's "Beach Holiday" album is open.
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What's got thirteen brains and one head?
The Yorkshire Rippers Hammer.
The Yorkshire Rippers Hammer.
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the fcukin jar open!
In reply to Post #1843
I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to f**k off.
I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to f**k off.
What's Stuart Hall getting for Christmas? The bunk bed above Ken Barlow.
In reply to Post #1845
John terry has just announced 'It was me all along!' and taken credit for the vocal on the Milli Vanilli double LP from 1988.
Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just £2, we will send you the video - its fu**ing hilarious!
In reply to Post #1848
In reply to Post #1840
"Mashed potato everywhere"
"Mashed potato everywhere"
Sky News: "A million brazilian protesters take to the streets !"...
Wow...Thats even more than a trillion grazilian, I think.
Wow...Thats even more than a trillion grazilian, I think.
In reply to Post #1851
