The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.They pulled the sheet back to show her face."l can't be certain."l told him.The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts and hard nipples "Sorry,but im still not sure."Then they took the sheet completely off and i had a good look at the body and shaved *****,"That's definitely not her,Officer""Are you sure?""Yep.My girlfriends not black.

In reply to Post #1569

In reply to Post #1569

The wife wanted sex so I lay on the bed, waiting.
Eventually she entered the bedroom,naked.
"Hi darling!" she said "I thought tonight we'd try something different."
"Different, how?" I asked.
"I'm thinking @nal" she said
"An@l!? That's disgusting and.... unhygienic!" I cried.
"Don't worry, I've washed thoroughly. I think it will be a pleasurable experience."
"Pleasurable for you maybe. But then it's always all about you isn't it? It's always sucking your n1pples then licking you to orgasm while you scream and moan."
"Well, tonight it will be @nal, then nipples, then cl1toris. Or we can get your mate, Dave, over again. He did anything I asked. He's an animal! And you like to watch, remember?"
"I thought I'd like to watch" I said "But turns out I don't. So, ok then"
"Good boy." she said as she lowered her backside to my face.
That'll teach me to drink and drive, I thought, as I readied my tongue. I fcuking hate being paralysed from the neck down

In reply to Post #1572

Why have they pixelated one of the mourners faces at Thatcher's funeral,is he SAS or undercover security?.........no,wait,its just Simon Weston.

I walked up to a dwarf in a bar last night and said, "Do you fancy a fu*k?"
"No thanks," she replied, "You're a weirdo."

"I'm the ****ing weirdo?" I said, "You're the one who has been staring at my boll*cks for the last 20 minutes."

In reply to Post #1575

I was at the beach with my young son when a beautiful, buxom brunette in a bikini walked by.

"Wow- look at her!" he exclaimed

"It's not polite to point like that in public, son," I told him. "Next time use your finger."

In reply to Post #1575

Any chances of me giving my girlfriend scat sex tonight have just gone down the ****ter.

In reply to Post #1578
Went down the local swimming pool the other day, thought I would have a cheeky slash in the deep end. Well, the lifeguard blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in

In reply to Post #1575

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I said I was looking for cheap flights. I LOVE YOU she said, then she got all excited and unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever--which is a odd because she's never shown any interest in Darts before,

Good to see Suarez getting revenge for his fallen brothers and sisters in the horse-meat scandal!