In reply to Post #1534

In reply to Post #1538

In reply to Post #1534

So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place.

He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.

In reply to Post #1542

It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death!

Bloody corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!

In reply to Post #1544
well in

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big t1ts."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big t1ts."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's t1ts are that big

I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door.

I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracey's husband's expense on the way out.

The next day I was telling this quite incredible tale to mates down at the pub, when the ****s all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.

My oldest friend pulled me to one side and said, "Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."

I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "

He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.

"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow.

In reply to Post #1547

I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard...

I came in cider.

"Kids are just like sh1ts" I said to a mate.

"Why, because you can only stand your own?" he said.

"No" I replied, "Ever since my wife had one in front of me I don't want to go anywhere near her!"

Well, I'm certainly not a fan of Thatcher's, but I have to say that all the celebrations and parties don't feel like the appropriate response to the announcement of her death.

That's why I'm organising a little candlelight vigil with some friends.

Around her corpse.

Stake and mallet in hand.

Just to be on the safe side. The parties can wait.

While in bed, the wife and I like to play a childish game; here is how it works:
We make love like any normal husband and wife would. After five minutes of passionate sex, my neighbour pops round and joins in the fun. A couple of minutes later my best mate walks through the door and joins, as does my other mate. This goes on until my wife suddenly snaps. She jumps up and down throwing everyone and everything everywhere causing havoc within the bedroom. The person who joined the game last before the wife got fed up loses.

I like to call it Fcukaroo

For my 40th birthday my wife asks me "Whats your biggest fantasy sweetheart? And i'll make it happen"

I think long and hard and reply "A threesome with two sexy women"

Later that week she calls me and says theres a surprise at home on my bed and that todays the day my fantasy comes true. I finish early and race home and there is my wife and a beautiful brunette both naked on the bed.

I get excited and smile, I rush to the cupboard and open it "Not here", I scramble over to the bed and look underneath "Not here" and then scuttle over to the en-suite "Dammit, not here either".

"What are you looking for sweetie?" My wife asks.

"The other sexy woman