CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop Fishy Forums
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
deaffred is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of deaffred (Fred)
Contact details supplied to MODs
deaffred
Posts: 4486
   Old Thread  #1721 15 May 2013 at 9.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
There is a new cofee shop opening in Liverpool for the younger clientele




Tarbucks
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1720 15 May 2013 at 6.57pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Liza Tarbuck must be really embarrassed.
Not because of her father's arrest.
But because shes a fat,talentless ****.
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1719 15 May 2013 at 6.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1718
David Moyes has said he's going to find it really hard to leave Everton as his car is still sitting on bricks.
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1718 15 May 2013 at 6.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1713
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 11876
   Old Thread  #1717 15 May 2013 at 5.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1715
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 11876
   Old Thread  #1716 15 May 2013 at 5.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1711
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1715 15 May 2013 at 4.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1714 15 May 2013 at 4.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
>
> The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
>
> Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
>
> "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>
> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
>
> "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
>
> That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
>
> The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
>
> The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
>
> The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
>
> The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
>
> The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1713 15 May 2013 at 4.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1712 15 May 2013 at 4.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the fcukin remote
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22622
   Old Thread  #1711 15 May 2013 at 9.56am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An old man went to the pharmacy to buy Viagra.

"Could I have 6 pills, and could they be split into quarters please?"

"I can split them" said the Pharmacist. "But a quarter of a pill won't give you a full erection."

"I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection. I just want it too poke out enough that I don't piss on my slippers!"
carpy09 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpy09 (Chris)
Contact details supplied to MODs
carpy09
Posts: 11876
   Old Thread  #1710 13 May 2013 at 6.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1705
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1709 13 May 2013 at 6.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1705
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3441
   Old Thread  #1708 13 May 2013 at 4.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1705
shed is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of shed (Sheridan)
Contact details supplied to MODs
shed
Posts: 1367
   Old Thread  #1707 13 May 2013 at 4.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1705
Page: 62.3333333333333 of 176  
  
   Copyright 2002-2019  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk