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   Old Thread  #1756 21 May 2013 at 11.38am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier.

"Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?"

"Ha ha ha, you cheeky ****er!" he said, "It's a ****ing Kindle!"
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   Old Thread  #1755 21 May 2013 at 9.56am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Children, can anyone tell me where babies come from?" enquired the teacher.

"Please miss, me!" shouted a scruffy looking lad from the back of the class.

"Okay Johnny, go ahead and this had better be good"

"Well I'm sure I'm the result of a c*nt and a pr1ck having sex," answered an excited Johnny.

"Don't you mean a penis and a vagina?" tutted the teacher.

"No miss, I'm pretty sure my mum and dad don't call each other that"
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   Old Thread  #1754 21 May 2013 at 6.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1753 21 May 2013 at 6.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1752 20 May 2013 at 4.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
paddy pulls up at the traffic lights and a really fit bird pulls up next to him
paddy smiles at her and winds his window down
she smiles back at paddy and winds her window down
paddy says to her ," have you farted aswell"
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   Old Thread  #1751 20 May 2013 at 3.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went into my local pharmacy for some condoms. It's run by my mate's mum, who's a snotty cow.

"Can I have two dozen condoms please, Miss?" I said with my best smile.

"Don't 'Miss' me, young Dave Wheeler!" she replied sternly.

"Ooooh, OK!" I told her. "Better make it 25 then."
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   Old Thread  #1750 19 May 2013 at 10.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye, man, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle like."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Gaffa."

The manager groaned ..."Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the new 4 x 4 Mitsubishi Shogun".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his missus like and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's buggered, ya might as well be gan fishin..."""
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   Old Thread  #1749 18 May 2013 at 7.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Jimmy puts his hand up. "Miss," he says. "Would you do anal?"

"I beg your pardon?" says his teacher.

"I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?"

His teacher explodes. "You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!"

"Good," beams Jimmy. "I was hoping you would."
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   Old Thread  #1748 18 May 2013 at 7.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I got to the off-licence at five past ten last night.

'Sorry, we're closed,' the owner said.

'Oh, for ****'s sake!' I shouted.

He said, 'Calm down mate. Think, what would Jesus do?'

I replied, 'Bearing in mind that he could turn water into wine, I doubt this would really be much of a setback for that ****.'
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   Old Thread  #1747 18 May 2013 at 7.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1746 18 May 2013 at 7.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1745 18 May 2013 at 7.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife's just finished trimming her pubes.Her fanny looks a lot neater now but she's completely ****** my flymo.
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   Old Thread  #1744 18 May 2013 at 7.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Ariel Castro ******* legend! Holds three woman captive for 10 years and neighbours don't hear a thing.

I can't keep mine quiet for 10 ******* minutes
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   Old Thread  #1743 18 May 2013 at 7.07pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1742 18 May 2013 at 5.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a pr1ck in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
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