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   Old Thread  #1801 3 Jun 2013 at 7.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What do you get if you can catch a tan Monday to Friday?

Job seekers allowance
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   Old Thread  #1800 2 Jun 2013 at 4.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I have a Scottish friend, who last year married a Native American girl, and the couple recently celebrated the birth of a baby boy.

Choosing the name proved to be very contentious, though.

He wanted to give him a Scot's name, while she wanted to give him a traditional Mohican one.

Thankfully, they sorted it, and I was really honoured when they asked me if I would be Godfather to little Hawkeye The Noo.
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   Old Thread  #1799 2 Jun 2013 at 1.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was flirting with a couple of girls at the bar last night when suddenly my wife called me.

She said, "Dave, where are you?"

I styled it out by remaining silent and just continued to smile at the girls.

"Dave, where the **** are you?" she screamed even louder.

Again I remained silent and took a sip of my pint.

This went on for a good 30 seconds before my wife eventually picked up her white stick and walked out.
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   Old Thread  #1798 2 Jun 2013 at 10.31am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Digging up the garden this morning,I found a Land Rover buried 6ft down...which was a nice discovery.
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   Old Thread  #1797 1 Jun 2013 at 11.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers in the glove box of the car.

"What the **** are these?" she asked.

"Knickers," I replied.

"Oh. I've heard about them, but I've never seen a pair."
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   Old Thread  #1796 1 Jun 2013 at 9.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1795 1 Jun 2013 at 9.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Are you ready to give me an anal bartering?" asked my wife.

"Don't you mean battering?" I winked.

"There are some very expensive shoes I want," she replied, "I know what I mean."
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   Old Thread  #1794 1 Jun 2013 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I'm glad they didn't make a "Share a Coke with Whitney" bottle, I think she had enough.
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   Old Thread  #1793 1 Jun 2013 at 7.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before ****ting myself and falling asleep in the corner.

The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.
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   Old Thread  #1792 1 Jun 2013 at 7.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"

"Michael. My name's Michael."

"Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael."

"Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please."
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   Old Thread  #1791 1 Jun 2013 at 12.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
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   Old Thread  #1790 1 Jun 2013 at 9.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I rang the wife to tell her I was coming home, after a month of working away.

"I can't wait to see you again." She told me.

"And I've a nice surprise for you, too."

When I got there, I opened the living room door to find her lying on the couch, stark naked.

"Holy **** baby, you look amazing!!" I said, jaw hitting the floor.

"It looks like you've lost loads of weight and certainly aren't the same fat bitch you were a few weeks ago. This is a fabulous surprise."

"Oh **** off, Dave!" she snapped. "I've bought us a bigger sofa."
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   Old Thread  #1789 31 May 2013 at 8.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1788
Pmsl
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   Old Thread  #1788 31 May 2013 at 1.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Try this puzzle.....its amazing!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it IS my absolute fave film.....it does work!!!

Pick a number between 1 & 9

Multiply it by 3

Add 3 to that number

Multiply again by 3

Add the two digits together and see results below:

3. Oliver Twist

4. Star Wars

5. Goodfellas

6. Saving Private Ryan

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins

See......it's spot on!!!!!
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   Old Thread  #1787 30 May 2013 at 8.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
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