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   Old Thread  #1881 1 Jul 2013 at 5.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I can only fcuk the wife using a lubricant.

About 8 pints normally
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   Old Thread  #1880 1 Jul 2013 at 5.43am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man at work calls home and his 8 years old
daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the
phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey
you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room
with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want
you to do:put the phone down onthe
table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom
door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car
has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the
phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of
the bed naked,ran round the room
screaming,tripp
ed over,and knocked her head
on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.
He jumped out the window into the
swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know
you emptied the water last week.He hit the
bottom and I think he’s dead.”

After a really long pause this time...Daddy
says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a
swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713”
“Sorry wrong number....!!!!”
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   Old Thread  #1879 30 Jun 2013 at 7.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1878 30 Jun 2013 at 4.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1877 30 Jun 2013 at 4.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1876 30 Jun 2013 at 2.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1875 30 Jun 2013 at 2.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend's stockings as she crossed her legs. So I whispered in her ear, "We know how this ends, so let's leave now before the final curtain. I've got plans for you."

She said, "We can't, it would be rude to get up and walk out."

I said, "Of course we can."

She said, "Dave, it's your wife's funeral.
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   Old Thread  #1874 30 Jun 2013 at 8.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What does a perverted frog say? ...Rubbit.
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   Old Thread  #1873 30 Jun 2013 at 8.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I just said hello to my neighbour who has Alzheimer's and Tourette's.

"Hello c*nt. Nice to see you" he said, "who are you? F**k off."
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   Old Thread  #1872 29 Jun 2013 at 4.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I've installed a two-way mirror in my daughter's bathroom, but I'm taking it back to the shop tomorrow.

All I can see is me looking stupid with my dick in my hand.
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   Old Thread  #1871 27 Jun 2013 at 10.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #1870 27 Jun 2013 at 8.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"
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   Old Thread  #1869 27 Jun 2013 at 8.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
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   Old Thread  #1868 27 Jun 2013 at 2.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.


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   Old Thread  #1867 27 Jun 2013 at 2.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Theater Seats for Seniors

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.



With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"The balcony."
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