CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
Mr-Bean-Laden is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Mr-Bean-Laden (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 1992
   Old Thread  #2099 23 Feb 2014 at 9.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.

She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall.
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3442
   Old Thread  #2098 23 Feb 2014 at 10.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Guy in the street shouts.."BLOW UP DOLLS £40!!-BLOW UP DOLLS £40!!"

Another guy walks past... "Hey mate.. I bought one of these yesterday and I blew it up and it went straight down"

Guy in the street shouts "BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!-BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!"
Mr-Bean-Laden is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Mr-Bean-Laden (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 1992
   Old Thread  #2097 15 Feb 2014 at 1.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
It's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do.
Mr-Bean-Laden is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Mr-Bean-Laden (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 1992
   Old Thread  #2096 5 Feb 2014 at 6.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Apparently scientists are saying semen is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression'

It makes sense, because it's normally the miserable ones who don't ****ing swallow in the first place.
carra is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carra (Barbel)
carra
Posts: 883
   Old Thread  #2095 5 Feb 2014 at 4.21pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "Quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove past'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have visitors,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'
WaftyCranker is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of WaftyCranker (Ian)
Contact details supplied to MODs
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3442
   Old Thread  #2094 30 Jan 2014 at 6.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
There were five in the bed, and the little one said -

"These NHS cuts are getting a bit much."
carra is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carra (Barbel)
carra
Posts: 883
   Old Thread  #2093 30 Jan 2014 at 5.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went to see the doctor with my blonde wife:

"We've been trying & trying for a baby for months," said my wife. "I want to check everything is OK biologically - sometimes I think my husband doesn't care whether I get pregnant or not."

"Do you think you could provide an egg sample?" said the doctor.

"Yes," said my wife. "Last time we had sex he pulled out and came on my face."
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10049
   Old Thread  #2092 29 Jan 2014 at 4.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2091
i've heard that ken barlow's in trouble for playing with haley's willy aswell
jimmyAd is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of jimmyAd (Jim)
Contact details supplied to MODs
jimmyAd
Posts: 8711
   Old Thread  #2091 29 Jan 2014 at 1.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bit of a long shot but.....does anyone know of any vans for sale.... my mate roy croppers tranny has just died.
Mr-Magoo is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Mr-Magoo (Mr)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Magoo
Posts: 9414
   Old Thread  #2090 28 Jan 2014 at 6.26pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
two giants walking up and down the lengh and breadth of britain.
one says to the other " where are we ? " 1st giant reaches down through the clouds and says " essex"
2nd giant says" how do you know ?", 1st giant says " i can feel range rovers and great big houses "
as they move up the country the 2nd giant says " where are we now ? " 1st giant reaches down and says "manchester" 2nd giant says " how do you know ? ", 1st giant says " i can feel old trafford "
as they move along a bit further 2nd giant says " where are we now" 1st giant reaches down and says " liverpool " 2nd giant says " how do you know that " 1st giant says " some **** has just nicked me watch "
Great-Blondini is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Great-Blondini (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Great-Blondini
Posts: 11629
[ MODERATOR ]
   Old Thread  #2089 28 Jan 2014 at 5.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2088
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher.

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar.”
The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued.

“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying.
Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around the classroom.


The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”
>
>
>

“No, not at all Miss. He really plays cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
Mr-Bean-Laden is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Mr-Bean-Laden (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 1992
   Old Thread  #2088 21 Jan 2014 at 8.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year...even if he has to write the song himself .
jimmyAd is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of jimmyAd (Jim)
Contact details supplied to MODs
jimmyAd
Posts: 8711
   Old Thread  #2087 21 Jan 2014 at 5.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI
>
> "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
>
> This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
> British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
> Liverpudlian youngsters.
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
> how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
> in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
> existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
> worth of high tech equipment.
>
> It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
> team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
> advantage over every other team.
>
> However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
> practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
> four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
> re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
> of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
> the shower.
>
>
>
Mr-Bean-Laden is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Mr-Bean-Laden (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 1992
   Old Thread  #2086 20 Jan 2014 at 10.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Emotional scenes in Coronation Street. Hayley Cropper stiff for the first time in 15 years!
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2085 12 Jan 2014 at 2.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes", the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS". "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." "But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid", the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden"
Page: 38.3333333333333 of 178  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2020  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk