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   Old Thread  #2081 1 Jan 2014 at 11.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2080
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   Old Thread  #2080 1 Jan 2014 at 11.00am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Geordie
Elliott, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages.

Geordie, like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy
any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution so
Geordie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for £500?

Geordie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "Forst", Geordie said, "Nee kissin’ on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Secund", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Thord", Geordie said, "Ah want aall the bairns raised as Nuwcastle
United Football Club fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Geordie stated, "You gotta givvus another week to
come up with the £500"



happy new year Foz
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   Old Thread  #2079 31 Dec 2013 at 4.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I wonder what 2014 will bring!

Apart from 300,000 Romanians and Bulgarians.
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   Old Thread  #2078 30 Dec 2013 at 8.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Doctors say that Michael Schumacher's condition hasn't changed overnight.

And that he is "Still an arrogant German c**t."

(but really hope you get better)
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   Old Thread  #2077 30 Dec 2013 at 0.41am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you got to feed him through real slow.
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   Old Thread  #2076 29 Dec 2013 at 1.01pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Grandma came to stay this Christmas, while we were all
sat round the table eating the Christmas dinner she farted
then leaned over to me and said "I've just done a silent fart
i hope it wont smell what should i do?" i replied Put new
batteries in yer hearing aids
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   Old Thread  #2075 29 Dec 2013 at 12.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.

The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.

After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.

After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.

The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "
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   Old Thread  #2074 29 Dec 2013 at 12.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
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   Old Thread  #2073 28 Dec 2013 at 8.13pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2071

Brilliant PMSL
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   Old Thread  #2072 27 Dec 2013 at 4.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2071 27 Dec 2013 at 3.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
my missus was sorting out some clothes the other day and said to me
" i've had this about six years now and it still fit's, so i can't have put any weight on"
i said "it's a ****ing scarf you fat cow"
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   Old Thread  #2070 27 Dec 2013 at 3.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2069 27 Dec 2013 at 10.59am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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The best one I came across was,

why did the mechanic sleep under his car?
he wanted to get up oily
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   Old Thread  #2068 26 Dec 2013 at 7.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Where's the crap cracker jokes from the last couple of days..

Mine is
What does a vampire pour on his Xmas dinner?

Grave ie..
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   Old Thread  #2067 22 Dec 2013 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Irish logic: job application

Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"You no see it, like? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere ya go"

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I've no brain?"

The boss is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go, One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along, see, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when do I start, boss?
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