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   Old Thread  #2139 9 Jul 2014 at 4.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population , it will now be referred to a " Muslim Weather"

( Partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite ? )
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   Old Thread  #2138 8 Jul 2014 at 8.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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theres an englishman a Scot and a paddy training for war in the desert the drill sergeant comes up to the englishman and asks if you were stranded in the desert and you had the choice of one item what would you you choose water says the englishman so i can stay hydrated very good says the sergeant he goes to the scot and asks the same question the scot replies a wide brimmed hat to keep the sun off me very good sergeant moves on to the paddy and asks the same question a car door replies the irish man what the **** do you want with a car door in the desert said the sergeant the paddy replies if it gets to hot i can always wind the window down
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   Old Thread  #2137 8 Jul 2014 at 7.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f***ing chainsaw.
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   Old Thread  #2136 8 Jul 2014 at 7.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.

I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

and one for the chelsea fans

Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.

Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.
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   Old Thread  #2135 6 Jul 2014 at 10.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2134

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2134 4 Jul 2014 at 8.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Rolf Harris has been instructed to bring his toothbrush to court today on the assumption he'll get a custodial sentence.

I'd take a fine comb too, a toothbrush won't get the cum out of that goatee.
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   Old Thread  #2133 2 Jul 2014 at 9.20pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.

I bet it's man flu
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   Old Thread  #2132 26 Jun 2014 at 7.54am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Adoption

Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon"

Made me chuckle!!!!!
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2131 26 Jun 2014 at 7.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2130 26 Jun 2014 at 7.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow


”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”


“Sticks”, said Paddy


Tel
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   Old Thread  #2129 26 Jun 2014 at 7.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
Well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'



The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.


She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.



The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2128 11 Jun 2014 at 7.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2127 10 Jun 2014 at 10.58am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove all of the fruit that you brought back up your ass without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
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   Old Thread  #2126 1 Jun 2014 at 7.25am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.

She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.
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   Old Thread  #2125 30 May 2014 at 8.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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