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   Old Thread  #2220 17 Feb 2015 at 11.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2219
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
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   Old Thread  #2219 16 Feb 2015 at 8.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2218
oooo
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   Old Thread  #2218 14 Feb 2015 at 9.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2217
The wife suggested we spice up our sex life with a little role play, I'll be a prostitute she said , good , ill be Peter sutcliffe
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   Old Thread  #2217 14 Feb 2015 at 6.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The nun roared out of the convent in her car, 2 minutes later the police stopped her,she lowered the window the cop unzipped his fly, "Oh no" she said "not the breathalyzer again".
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   Old Thread  #2216 14 Feb 2015 at 9.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2215
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   Old Thread  #2215 13 Feb 2015 at 8.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman asks her husband "would you like some breakfast" ? no thanks he said the Viagra has put me off food, later in the day she asks "how about lunch darling?" he said I'm still not hungry it must be the Viagra, that evening she says its time for dinner would you like steak and chips? I'll not bother thanks this Viagra has put me off food altogether, well would you mind getting off me I'm starving.
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   Old Thread  #2214 11 Feb 2015 at 2.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2213


FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,

AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:






1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL

THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,

"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"

SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS,

DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,

IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN

ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?

ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE,

DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW

ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,

DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY',

THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND? (I had never thought of that!)








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   Old Thread  #2213 10 Feb 2015 at 7.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2212
Why can't muslims watch tele?

Because of the teleban
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   Old Thread  #2212 10 Feb 2015 at 10.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2211
Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
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   Old Thread  #2211 8 Feb 2015 at 4.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2210
One made by Royal Doulton
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2210 8 Feb 2015 at 11.42am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2209
Your right, it sounds like a load of ****

BTW
What kind of pan do you cook em in?
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   Old Thread  #2209 8 Feb 2015 at 9.33am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2208
I am going to try some different boilies this year

Cranberry Raspberry Apricot & Peach

something tells me I not going to do well on these
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   Old Thread  #2208 31 Jan 2015 at 2.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went to a new female dentist, after an examination she said one of my wisdom teeth will have to come out and she will give me a jab to kill the pain, i said needles are not for me , OK she said a whiff of gas will do it, no no that makes me sick, are you OK with pills? Oh yes that's fine, she gave me 2 little pills and said just relax,what pills are they? Viagra she said, I didn't know they are pain killers, she said they're not but they will give you something to hold on to when I yank the tooth out
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   Old Thread  #2207 31 Jan 2015 at 2.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Go on then
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   Old Thread  #2206 30 Jan 2015 at 8.05am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2205
Joke free year this year or something..?!
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