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   Old Thread  #2202 28 Dec 2014 at 10.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A nun is stopped in her car by the police, she winds down the window the cop winds down his zip, "Oh no" she said "not the Breathalyzer again"
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   Old Thread  #2201 23 Dec 2014 at 10.57am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2199
I went to the Doctor today and said I keep getting ignored, he shouts NEXT.
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   Old Thread  #2200 20 Dec 2014 at 9.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A lady go's into a butchers and asks for a duck, yes madam said the young man, he puts the duck on the counter, she sticks her finger up its arse then examines her finger and says that's not an Aylesbury duck, oh sorry madam I''ll see if we have one out the back, he returns with another duck, she does the same again, ah that's better I always have an Aylesbury duck when I come to this shop, you must be new here where are you from? the lad drops his strdes bends over and say's "your the expert you tell me"
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   Old Thread  #2199 19 Dec 2014 at 7.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2197


I went to the doctors today and he asked me if I drink to excess.

I told him I'll drink to ****ing anything
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   Old Thread  #2198 17 Dec 2014 at 9.50pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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   Old Thread  #2197 17 Dec 2014 at 9.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.
'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is
dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened
his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up
meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the
door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.
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   Old Thread  #2196 15 Dec 2014 at 7.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy and his dog walks into the departure lounge at Heathrow airport and sits near another guy, "are you taking your dog on the plane"? No, he is a sniffer dog and I am a police officer and we're working, the dog walks off and sits next to a young man then comes back and taps the cop once on his foot, the other guy asks "what doe's that mean"? he's found MARIJUANA, the dog go's off again and sits next to another guy then comes back and taps the cop twice, "has he found more MARIJUANA"? no this time he found COCAINE, the dog go's out again then rushes back jumps up onto the seat and has a massive dump, the other guy say's Jeeeeeees what's that all about? he found a BOMB.
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   Old Thread  #2195 9 Dec 2014 at 10.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2187
Hahaha
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   Old Thread  #2194 27 Nov 2014 at 10.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2192
Bet it made her toes curl
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   Old Thread  #2193 27 Nov 2014 at 10.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
TEACHER: Billie , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's..

Did you copy his?

BILLIE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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   Old Thread  #2192 17 Nov 2014 at 7.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
an old guy was walking through Soho one evening and as he went past a dark doorway there was a tasty young woman standing in the shadows, she smiled and nodded politely and said allo luv, looking for action? he thought.....play my cards right I'm in wiv a chance, yeah he said ow much? £25 darling, he said wiv a grin I've only got a fiver, nah no good darling, oh go on he said, bugger off I'm not a charity, oh please i ain't ad any fer years, OK then be quick, upstairs 15 minutes later he said if i had known you were this tight i would have given you the £25, she said if i knew you had £25 i would have taken my tights off.
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   Old Thread  #2191 13 Nov 2014 at 6.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Went to a fancy dress party last night, there was a shapely brunette woman with no clothes just a pair of black shoes and a pair of black gloves, my inquisitive nature got the better of me after about 20 minutes, I said what did you come as?
"The 5 of spades" what else.

There was also a girl dressed in red, she came as a fire,didn't get poked so she went out.
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   Old Thread  #2190 13 Nov 2014 at 11.48am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2189
A suicide bomber blew himself up and went to his heaven, just as his mad mentor had promised.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim the virgins, he was promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah “Why are there so many virgins in heaven?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied: "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them.
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And be warned, I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded: "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity ? ”
And Allah replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Who said they were women ?”
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   Old Thread  #2189 8 Nov 2014 at 1.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My old man taught me about the birds and the bees, I now realise that he lied because
I went out with a ****ing woodpecker till I was 21
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   Old Thread  #2188 7 Nov 2014 at 5.49pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!



A play boy walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The guy says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am!”

The play boy smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my son…......is Confidence!
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