CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
stymie is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of stymie (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
stymie
Posts: 715
   Old Thread  #2300 30 May 2015 at 9.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2299
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10049
   Old Thread  #2299 28 May 2015 at 3.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2298
Blimey , that Kym marsh don't hang around .
After her latest love split , she's only gone and married Steve Macdonald
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2298 21 May 2015 at 8.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2297

I was trying to remember the one about a line of elephants each holding the tail with their trunk of the one in front crossing a railway line and the train hit them and pulls them inside out.

Anyone know this one?
denty is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of denty (Mark)
Contact details supplied to MODs
denty
Posts: 917
   Old Thread  #2297 21 May 2015 at 1.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2296
The old ones are always the best
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2296 19 May 2015 at 7.11pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!


Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5
more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or
third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs,
Ethel!"
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2295 16 May 2015 at 6.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!


The sergeant asked a new recruit for his name, to which he replied, "Mack." The sergeant said, "Sorry, I need your full name." The recruit replied, "That is my name."

The sergeant then pointed out that everyone had a Christian name and a surname. The recruit replied, "I was christened John Thomas McDangle originally, but now I'm known simply as Mack."

The sergeant is a little curious and asks for an explanation.

"Well, I left school at 16 and, because I was extremely bright, was admitted to medical school. I qualified before I was 21, thus becoming John Thomas McDangle, MD. But most people considered me too young to practise medicine, so I decided to do further study. I chose theology.

"On completion of these studies I became John Thomas McDangle, MD, DD. Then, unfortunately I got into a bit of trouble with a lady of ill repute and contracted VD.

"The medical board removed my MD, the church removed my DD, the VD removed my John Thomas. I had nothing left to dangle, so now I am just known as Mack."
stymie is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of stymie (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
stymie
Posts: 715
   Old Thread  #2294 15 May 2015 at 8.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2293
Bloke goes to the doctors.

Doc "Hi there, what seems to be the problem?"

Bloke "Erm... bit embarrassed to tell you if I'm honest doctor"

Doc "Nothing to worry about, I can guarantee you that there won't be anything wrong that I haven't happened across before"

Bloke "Well, ok then. It's my erm... little feller doctor, I think there's something wrong with it"

Doc "Ok, you best show me it, once again try not to be worried, I have seen it all before, I can assure you"

"Bloke "Well... Ok then"

He proceeds to unzip and slaps it on the table

Doc " F..K ME! What the hell is that? It's bright orange!

Bloke " I did say there was something wrong doc"

Doc, gathering himself "Yes, ahem... sorry for the outburst... ok then. Does it hurt?

Bloke " Nope, no pain at all"

Doc "Have you been under any stress of late? Worried about anything?

Bloke "Nope, I'm happy as larry, no worries at all"

Doc " Quite unusual, never seen an orange one before. Any marital problems? Wife left you or anything?

Bloke "No, happily single"

Doc "This has got me baffled. Any work problems?"

Bloke "No doc, I live off an inheritance, don't have a job and don't need one."

Doc "How bizarre. Could you explain to me what your daily routine consists of?"

Bloke "Not much really doc, I just spend most days watching porn and eating wotsits"
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10049
   Old Thread  #2293 15 May 2015 at 7.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2292
Saw a young lad today leaning against a wall having a joint and a can of beer,
I said to him ," shouldn't you be at school" ?
He said ," don't be so stupid , I'm only four " .
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2292 9 May 2015 at 4.53pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

Father Murphy was going to have a weekís holiday but there was no one to take confession so he went to the synagogue to ask rabbi Cohen could he help, yes my boy what do I have to do?
Father Murphy said come round to the church and sit with me to see how itís done, after a while the first one arrives, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin? I have stolen from the shop, how many times? 3 times father, put £5 in the collection go back in church and pray for forgiveness, the next one goís in the box and asks for forgiveness what is your sin? I have lied to my children father, how many times asks father Murphy 3 times father, put £5 in the collection and pray for forgiveness, father says to the Rabbi now you have a go, before long the next one comes in the box, forgive me father for I have sinned, what is your sin míboy, I have been unfaithful to my wife, how many times? Once he said, well go and do 2 more weíve got a special on this week 3 for a fiver.
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2291 25 Apr 2015 at 9.52am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A woman says to her husband darling you know I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a minor op in the fanny department and the nurse asked if I could shave the old minnie moo before I get there, as you shave every morning I wondered if you would do it for me? of course I will, get yer trollies off, he lathers up the velvet valley and starts, hows it going darling? not bad, nearly done just one more thing, can you make it do this >
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
 photo ol-git_zpsl6sqjb7i.jpg
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2290 24 Apr 2015 at 9.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

The front door slams, the woman says to her lover thatís my husband hide in the wardrobe, as he does a boys voice says ITS DARK IN HERE, the guy says donít tell anyone will you, I NEED A NEW PAIR OF FOOTY BOOTS, ok Iíll get you some, a couple of weeks later the same thing happens as the guy gets in the wardrobe ITS DARK IN HERE, ok what do you want this time, I WANT A NEW BALL AND A SHIRT, ok son Iíll sort it, the next Saturday the boy and his dad are at the park having a kick about, dad says where did you get the new kit? The boy tells him, dad says that's not very nice you must go to church and confess your sins, the boy goes in the confession box and says ITS DARK IN HERE, a voice from the other side says f*** me not you again.
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2289 21 Apr 2015 at 9.56am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2288
heathrow is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of heathrow (Heathrow)
Check out the gallery of heathrow
Contact details supplied to MODs
heathrow
Posts: 8287
   Old Thread  #2288 21 Apr 2015 at 0.13am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2287
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3182
   Old Thread  #2287 18 Apr 2015 at 11.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2286
I'm not Pancake, I'm Boxing
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10049
   Old Thread  #2286 18 Apr 2015 at 8.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2285
Also , some people are named depending on what day it is when they were born ,
I e st George's day , they call them George
St Patrick's day , they call them Patrick
Something else I've taught you that is young pancake
Page: 25 of 178  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2020  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk