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   Old Thread  #2282 12 Apr 2015 at 5.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2281
Tbh mate I heard ray winstone tell it the other night on some programme , thought you'd been watching it aswell

Cracker tho
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   Old Thread  #2281 12 Apr 2015 at 5.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2280
I don't know where it came from, I've known it for donkeys years
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   Old Thread  #2280 11 Apr 2015 at 11.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2279
I know where that came from . Goodun innit
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   Old Thread  #2279 11 Apr 2015 at 7.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy comes home from work mid afternoon to catch his wife and lover at it, he lives on the 11th floor of a tower block and the lift is out of action, he finally gets to his flat and bursts in shouting "WHERE IS HE " I'll kill him, looks around but nothing, just happens to look out of the kitchen window to see a man running from the block, he opens the window turns round looking for something to throw and decide its the fridge, as he launches it he collapses and dies.
Up at the pearly gates Peter stands waiting for him, how did you end up here? Peter was told the story ok you may entre, next was a guy with terrible head wounds, and you, said Peter? I was running for the bus so i wouldn't be late for the evening shift when crash and I'm here, ok said Peter go in, Peter was about to close the gate when he noticed a guy in a pair of underpants blue and shivering with cold, what are you doing here? well I was sitting in this fridge minding my own business.......
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   Old Thread  #2278 11 Apr 2015 at 1.10pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream &
shouts: "Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss p**s an cow s**te."


The bloke says: "Sir, I am an illegal immigrant,can you
be speaking clearer, and slower please."


The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Both.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill ....Any"

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2277 10 Apr 2015 at 9.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2274
Creosote for me , great over the fences
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   Old Thread  #2276 10 Apr 2015 at 9.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A stunning blonde and an old git go's for a job as a lion tamer, the ringmaster say's who's first? I'll go says the blonde, she gets in the cage the door slams behind her the lion comes in roaring and snarling gets right up close to her when she throws off her coat to reveal a drop dead gorgeous body you'd die for, the lion lays down on the ground and crawls up to her then starts licking her all over, the ringmaster looks at the old git and says can you do that? yeah course i can but you gotta get that f****** lion out of there first.
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   Old Thread  #2275 10 Apr 2015 at 1.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Farmer Brown calls in a surveyor, good morning Mr Brown how can I help you? I want a conservatory like them there town houses, first of all you will need good footings, ooo ah I'll leave that to the builders, OK next you will need strong roof joists at 400mm centers to take the weight of snow etc, ah well the builders can look after that, I see you have an outside toilet will that be staying? ah ah oh yeah we've always had an outside thunder-box, well in that case you will have to have a lock on the door, o ah that's funny we've not had a bucket of s*** nicked in 20 years
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   Old Thread  #2274 10 Apr 2015 at 7.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
got a great tip off me mate for the grand national , so good put your house on it >>>>> dusty carpet its never been beaten !!
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   Old Thread  #2273 9 Apr 2015 at 10.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2272
Well spotted. Never had any issues witt plagiarism
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2272 8 Apr 2015 at 2.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2270
Was used in a barclay card advert on tv some years ago ....... as I remember
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   Old Thread  #2271 8 Apr 2015 at 9.59am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2270 7 Apr 2015 at 10.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home . As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door , the guy starts feeling horny . With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling , he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's to risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you...."


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on , and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled , and in a sleepy voice,

she says :


"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it...or if need be mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"


Tel
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   Old Thread  #2269 6 Apr 2015 at 6.32am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
I love a good summertime water fight with the neighbourhood kids me and my kettle always win
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   Old Thread  #2268 5 Apr 2015 at 8.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2265
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