CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop Fishy Forums
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 9639
   Old Thread  #2322 17 Aug 2015 at 6.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2321
I'm thinking about kicking my missus out , every time I try and have a piss in the sink it's always
full of washing up .
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2321 5 Aug 2015 at 8.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Our dog died yesterday, the wife named him Cigarette I donít know why, he had no legs but he always seemed to be happy, Iím gonna miss taking him out for a drag
elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of elltell (Terry)
Contact details supplied to MODs
elltell
Posts: 1043
   Old Thread  #2320 5 Aug 2015 at 8.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2319


Tel
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 9639
   Old Thread  #2319 3 Aug 2015 at 11.12pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My bird told me today that being fat was in her genes ,
I told her , bollox , you look fat in a skirt as well
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2318 18 Jul 2015 at 4.40pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!

What makes up
100% in life?



Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:


If:

A B C D E F G
H I J K L M N
O P Q R S T U
V W X Y Z

Is represented
as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
= 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5
= 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20
= 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there.

Itís the Bull**** and ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know WHY some people are where they are!
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2317 17 Jul 2015 at 7.14pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, Its what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother; 'Don't eat it, it's an a***hole!'
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2316 17 Jul 2015 at 11.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was asking Mick and Paddy what sort of work they did, all sorts of things, but the most memorable was the one they did at Heathrow airport refueling Concord, they were going about their duties one day when a drop of fuel spilt out of the nozzle and on to Micks hand, being a true Guinness drinker he licked it off, wow he said that's good, try some Paddy, after a while the pair was well and truly Brahms and Liszt, falling about under the plane giggling and laughing, next morning Micks phone rings hhhhh hello, Mick! its Paddy how are you? oh not too bad got a dry mouth, why? Paddy says whatever you do DON'T fart coz I'm phoning from Bahrain
stymie is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of stymie (Andrew)
Contact details supplied to MODs
stymie
Posts: 683
   Old Thread  #2315 15 Jul 2015 at 7.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2314
An elderly guy is getting a bit concerned for his wife, she seemed unwell so he took her to the doctors for a check up. After about an hour in the waiting room the doctor approached him. "Well Mr Smith, we have run all kinds of tests but I am afraid to say the results are inconclusive, it seems she may have aids or alzheimers, we just cant tell" "oh dear, that's not good" replied Mr Smith. "What do you suggest I do? "Take her for a drive out to the middle of the woods and drop her off. If she finds her way back home, don't f**k her"
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2314 15 Jul 2015 at 7.06pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2313
PPPIKER has used site within the last 5 mins
View the profile of PPPIKER (Gareth)
Contact details supplied to MODs
PPPIKER
Posts: 517
   Old Thread  #2313 15 Jul 2015 at 3.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #2312
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !

Tis me, ..........................
I've quit Drinking !"
carpstar40 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of carpstar40 (Ian)
carpstar40
Posts: 2206
   Old Thread  #2312 13 Jul 2015 at 12.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
During the American/Japanese war in some far off remote island the American troops are trying to take control of the island moving ever closer to doing so, progressing slowly every day.

After weeks of fighting they reach a point by where the only thing standing in their way is a river crossing to which the Japs are based in the last little stronghold, at the end of a few hours skirmish about the middle of the day the American Commander turns to his troops and says tomorrow this God forsaken island will be ours, he turns and says to the troops rest easy tonight because tomorrow we cross the river and clear them out but for tonight we will retreat 500 yards set up camp and post a lookout to keep an eye on them sneaky Japanese.

Looking from across the river the Japanese Commander can see that by the morning they will be under siege by the Americans and so turns to his troops and says tonight we will retreat 500yards to the shoreline set up camp and party like it's our last night ever but we will post a lookout to keep an eye on them sneaky Yanks.

An hour or so passes and the American lookout keeping an eye on the Japanese lookout is starting to get bored so he picks up his binoculars gives a little whistle and sees the Little Japanese soldier stick his head out of the undergrowth, he then thinks to himself now I've got his attention what can I do so he thinks to himself I wonder what regiment he's in so he puts down his bino's holds his arms out by his sides and mimics an aeroplane, to which there is no response or movement thinking to himself again perhaps he's Naval so a little whistle to gain his attention and he starts to mimic swimming the front crawl, again no response so one more whistle go's out to get his attention again and the American private thinks he must be a standard private like me so he starts to mimic thrusting his hips and drinking a beer again no movement so he picks his bino's back up to look at him, with that the little Jap is up on his feet and takes off like a scalded cat.

As the out of breath Japanese private reaches the beach his Commander stops him and says what the hell are you doing here I posted you to keep an eye on those Yanks, the young private says to his Commander you can go and keep a lookout if you like I'm not staying there, whats the matter asked the Commander to which the young Japanese private responded it's 2.30 now and at quarter to three he was going to swim across and **** me then suck me until my eyes popped out.
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2311 5 Jul 2015 at 5.19pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bill get's a phone call from the Doctor, Doc say's I've got good news and bad news, Bill say's whats the good news? You've got 24 hours to live, jeeeeeez What's the bad news? I tried to call you yesterday.
Nick is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of Nick (Nick)
Contact details supplied to MODs
Nick
Posts: 6800
   Old Thread  #2310 1 Jul 2015 at 9.43pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1
Sweating like a Greek MP on the phone to Wonga.....
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2309 28 Jun 2015 at 1.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My old uncle suffered from water on the knee in his younger years, the doc suggested getting a pair of drain pipe trousers as he was a teddy boy
luckyjim is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of luckyjim (David)
Contact details supplied to MODs
luckyjim
Posts: 3048
   Old Thread  #2308 28 Jun 2015 at 12.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The young girl next door bought some new knickers made by Tupperware, she say's they're not that comfortable but they do keep everything fresh.
Page: 22.3333333333333 of 176  
  
  © Copyright 2002-2019  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk