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elltell is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
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   Old Thread  #2356 12 Dec 2015 at 11.22am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Warning - be careful if you decide to sign up for the new Tesco Dating service. I tried it and ended up with a Bag for Life!!!!!'
👀👀
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2355 12 Dec 2015 at 11.20am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was very impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago.😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2354 12 Dec 2015 at 11.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters SNIPE into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are posting and reading jokes on Carpforum😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
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   Old Thread  #2353 11 Dec 2015 at 9.27pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I like my women how I like my advent calendar.

Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten.

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   Old Thread  #2352 11 Dec 2015 at 5.41pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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And we came 3rd for getting this one wrong > name 2
days of the week begining with the letter T
TODAY and TOMORROW was not right
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   Old Thread  #2351 11 Dec 2015 at 0.47am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In the pub tonight and got involved in the quiz , the last question for us to win it was , name two things commonly found in cells .
Apparently It weren't scoucers and pikeys .
We came second
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   Old Thread  #2350 1 Dec 2015 at 10.31pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Absolute quality I've been reading some of your other jokes I'm actually crying your a legend COYS!!!
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   Old Thread  #2349 1 Dec 2015 at 9.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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My missus told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with fools and horses.
I just sighed and said , okay , I'll get me suitcase from the van
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   Old Thread  #2348 29 Nov 2015 at 5.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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This blonde is selling a snake in the local paper!

A bloke rings up and asks how big is it,

F----ng massive she says,

The bloke asks, how many feet?

None she replies, it's a F----ng snake
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   Old Thread  #2347 29 Nov 2015 at 5.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #1

A young woman walks into a supermarket. On her way round she sees the man with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.

He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"

"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Tel
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   Old Thread  #2346 23 Nov 2015 at 8.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A bloke takes his wife to the doctors as he's worried about her.. The doctor says well I'm not sure whether you wife's got aids or alzheimers. Only way to find out is to go for a drive, drop her off 10 miles from home and if she comes home don't f@#k her!!!!!
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   Old Thread  #2345 22 Nov 2015 at 5.58pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #2344 22 Nov 2015 at 5.04pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A bloke threw a tub of margarine at me in sainsburys over a fortnight ago , splitting my eyebrow .
Can't believe it's not better
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   Old Thread  #2343 13 Nov 2015 at 5.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Bert, in the old folks home said to Gladys "I'm leaving you and I'm gonna go with Doris cos she holds my one eyed trouser snake all night", Gladys said "so do I" yes said Bert but Doris has parkinson's .
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   Old Thread  #2342 7 Nov 2015 at 2.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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