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Breaking news: Police arrest drunk middle-aged woman screaming "Where are you? Let's be avin' you" outside Paul Lambert's house.
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In reply to Post #146
"Have you ever tried Ethopian food?..."
"no"
"Neither have they"
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In reply to Post #145
My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"
I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."
"I don't ****ing believe you!" he shouted.
"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"
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My girlfriend said "No more going to the strip club with your mates.... I've decided to strip for you right here in our flat"
I said "Great! ...... I'll call the boys and tell them to bring beer"
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In reply to Post #131
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I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"
"Then."
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In reply to Post #141
Turns out John Terry didn't sleep with Bridge's ex after all, someone else did and he just took the credit
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In reply to Post #140
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Didier Drogba has confirmed that he is to leave Chelsea when his contract ends and is rumoured to be heading to China next month... The Chinese Olympic diving coach, Zhou Jihong, says he'll be a welcome addition to his squad for the summer games.
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In reply to Post #138
John Terry is going to his daughter's sports day tomorrow...he's wearing his PE kit incase she wins
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I've decided to take the John Terry approach to dinner tonight.I'm going to put on my chef hat to serve up the Sunday roast after my Mum spent all day cooking it.
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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In reply to Post #132
 
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In reply to Post #134
The omens were not good for Munich from the start. I mean they did kick off at 1945.
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In reply to Post #131
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NON Carp stuff