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   Old Thread  #21 2 Mar 2012 at 6.01am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
apologies if any been on here before and to any of our scouse friends,
got sent by e-mail and thought i'd share.

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take
that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.


Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman..

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!



Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is
no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and
your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.____

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. ____


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up
to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to
drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort
the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is
£200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bull****ting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' ____


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc
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   Old Thread  #20 1 Mar 2012 at 7.56pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
teacher says to class "gimme a 10 letter word" a boy says " masturbate" teacher says "ooh that's a mouthful" boy replies "no that's a blow job and that's only 7
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   Old Thread  #19 1 Mar 2012 at 6.54pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #14
bereaver...
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   Old Thread  #18 1 Mar 2012 at 3.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I opened the curtains this morning and waved to my son."Sir, can you step back so we can get him out," said the midwife
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   Old Thread  #17 1 Mar 2012 at 3.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The guy next door to me is always up late having really loud and rough sex.Kind of makes me happy I don't share my prison cell with anyone
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   Old Thread  #16 1 Mar 2012 at 3.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Why is regular sex so important to you?" My wife asked me this morning."Imagine not breathing as much as you would like" I replied."Because if I don't get any tonight, that is what will happen to you
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   Old Thread  #15 1 Mar 2012 at 2.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #13
its not a matter of whether anyones offended by it, its up there under Rules/Usage as a forum rule...........
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   Old Thread  #14 29 Feb 2012 at 10.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I did not believe it when my mum told me Davey Jones had died.

Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
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   Old Thread  #13 29 Feb 2012 at 8.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #7
didnt mean the racist ones just that nowadays things most people find funny theres always some1 whos offended by something thats just a joke 2 most people
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   Old Thread  #12 29 Feb 2012 at 7.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A guy in cricket whites staggers into A & E with his hand thrust between his legs
whatever happened to you asks the triage nurse as she leads him into a cubicle
hit with a cricket ball says the guy
drop your trousers and jump up onto the bed says the nurse as she goes to fetch the soothing cream
hows that says the nurse as she smothers his knob and goolies in cream
fantastic says the guy but my thumbs still killing me

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   Old Thread  #11 29 Feb 2012 at 5.38pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #10
hi guys,
i'am at A & E
Just a quick word of warning...........

the Dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is!!!!!!
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   Old Thread  #10 29 Feb 2012 at 11.18am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses.”

I thought that didn’t sound right so I tried again;

“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese.”

Nope, that still didn’t sound right;

“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi.”

Ahh **** it I thought;

“Dear Sir, I’m starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one.”
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   Old Thread  #9 29 Feb 2012 at 7.10am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying on the bed licking a lollipop. She then slipped it up her snatch and gave it another lick. I said "careful with that, love. You need it to see the children across the road tomorrow."
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   Old Thread  #8 28 Feb 2012 at 11.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #7
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   Old Thread  #7 28 Feb 2012 at 9.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #6
why? it was only the funny jokes that made the other thread what it was.
it didn't need the racist or offensive jokes to get a laugh, the vast majority of jokes on there had me pissing myself!
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