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In reply to Post #2552
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I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.
So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".
To which he told me to f#ck off.......
Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
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I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".
So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
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I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
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I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"
can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said
no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.
Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
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Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them 
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In reply to Post #2543
i went to the zoo the other day
all they had was a little oriental sounding dog
it was a shih tzu
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In reply to Post #2546
Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
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A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
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In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention 
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In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2542
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"
Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?
Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian
Assistant. ----- I doupt it
Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish
Assistant. ----- Proberly not
Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish
Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Tel
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In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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NON Carp stuff