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   Old Thread  #639 2 Dec 2012 at 9.24am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I'm getting really excited-only 3 more Chelsea managers until Christmas.
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   Old Thread  #638 2 Dec 2012 at 9.22am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #637
Thumbs up on that one
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   Old Thread  #637 1 Dec 2012 at 11.42pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said ‘yes’, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that's fair, . . . . . tit for tat.


You won't hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. I gotta lilo.

Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic,

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £20,000 a year and you make £100,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running."

My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at my Chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Marion) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few seconds.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the crap out of me....



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   Old Thread  #636 1 Dec 2012 at 9.47pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #633

Nice yan
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   Old Thread  #635 1 Dec 2012 at 7.52pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #634 1 Dec 2012 at 7.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #633 1 Dec 2012 at 6.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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i was chatting to a gypsy bird in the pub last night when she asked "would you like to come back to mine for a good time" she was'nt f***in kidding either..i went on the waltzers,the ghost train & the dodgems, i even came home with a goldfish!
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   Old Thread  #632 1 Dec 2012 at 6.08pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #631
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   Old Thread  #631 1 Dec 2012 at 6.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The BBC have cancelled Bob The Builder, apparently they don't trust anyone who can fix it now...
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   Old Thread  #630 1 Dec 2012 at 5.18pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Sad news Marti Pellow has Arthritis.

He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
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   Old Thread  #629 1 Dec 2012 at 2.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor… Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.

Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads:

“Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I love you.”

He asks his son about what happened last night, his son told:

When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady! Leave me alone… I’m married!”
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   Old Thread  #628 30 Nov 2012 at 11.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Stephen Hawking returned from his first date in 10 years with a black eye, bruises, scrapes, and a twisted ankle. Apparently she stood him up.
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   Old Thread  #627 30 Nov 2012 at 9.22pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
All these years thinking i had a birth mark on my ar$e,now it turns out to be a cigar burn,hows about that then!
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   Old Thread  #626 29 Nov 2012 at 10.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #625 28 Nov 2012 at 6.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you **** my fanny all night."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."
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