CarpForum - Fishing Forum
  Already registered? [Log-In]  New user? [Register]

Want 11,000+ anglers a day to see your product or service?  Click HERE to see how
Home Who's Online Member List Gallery Downloads Fish Ins Weather
Rules / Usage Help / FAQs Search Articles The Carp Shop
  New Posts: 0
   Joke Thread
 [Log-In]  [Register] 
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #736 20 Dec 2012 at 9.26am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #734
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #735 19 Dec 2012 at 9.23pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #733
noj is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of noj (Noj)
Contact details supplied to MODs
noj
Posts: 9517
Social photographer...
   Old Thread  #734 19 Dec 2012 at 7.28pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The missus packed my bags and kicked me out last week.
As I walked down the garden path she shouted "I hope you live a miserable life and die a slow painful death you ****!"
"Make your bloody mind up, do you want me to go or not?"
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22677
   Old Thread  #733 19 Dec 2012 at 6.37pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Why do men always fall asleep after they cum?", asked my wife.

"I don't know", I replied, struggling to open my eyes.

"Well, get off the toilet, I need a sh1t."
ralph69 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of ralph69 (John)
Contact details supplied to MODs
ralph69
Posts: 10041
   Old Thread  #732 19 Dec 2012 at 4.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
i phoned up the fishing helpline today and said
im crap at fishing , can you give me some tips,
the man said , okay , can you hold the line,
i replied no
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #731 19 Dec 2012 at 4.05pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My kids keep taking the pi$$ out of my alzheimer's. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas and find no eggs under the bonfire.
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22677
   Old Thread  #730 19 Dec 2012 at 10.06am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I went into the estate agents looking for a flat earlier..

After talking it over with a pretty estate agent, I came away with a semi.
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #729 19 Dec 2012 at 8.56am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Hi Lads
I've been in hospital.
Just to let you know that im back home.
The doctors think that I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicssilicovalcanoconiosis,but at the moment its hard to say.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #728 18 Dec 2012 at 4.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home the police were checking cars and drivers but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22677
   Old Thread  #727 18 Dec 2012 at 3.00pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.
sik is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of sik (Simon)
Contact details supplied to MODs
sik
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #726 18 Dec 2012 at 9.31am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy

cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra

and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her

pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.

She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it

on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good' she continued.

'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17

I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the

National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000

and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that

and I thought she would get up and go.

But she took my hand off her thigh and put it

up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm

as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again she said, 'I'll bet you do.

In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have.

In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds

left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half

of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping

past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of

would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,

chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored

a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds

'til full time. We were still behind by one point,

but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,

more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under

her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp

of soft cotton and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man:

Have you ever felt such a perfect c@nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered,

'I missed the kick.' !!
catfish1 is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of catfish1 (Paul)
Contact details supplied to MODs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #725 17 Dec 2012 at 7.15pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #724
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22677
   Old Thread  #724 17 Dec 2012 at 4.51pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I've got my hands full with my new Lesbian neighbours.

Binoculars in one, cock in the other.
SlugHunter is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of SlugHunter (Martin)
Contact details supplied to MODs
SlugHunter
Posts: 22677
   Old Thread  #723 16 Dec 2012 at 3.48pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
So the world is due to end on the 21st of December...

I hope I'm sitting next to Alex Ferguson when it happens, as he'll get 10 minutes longer than everyone else.
MrGrantski is not surfing CarpForum at the moment
View the profile of MrGrantski (Grants)
Contact details supplied to MODs
MrGrantski
Posts: 953
   Old Thread  #722 15 Dec 2012 at 4.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"Why are your eyes red?" I asked my teenage son.

"I've been smoking dope, Dad," he said.

So I punched him in the face. The lying little emo ****er's been crying again.
Page: 129 of 178  
  
   Copyright 2002-2020  -  www.CarpForum.co.uk contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk