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I don't care if my wife spits or swallows.
As far as I'm concerned, she earned that cum and she can do whatever she wants with it.
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I've been using the same gag to get woman into bed for over five years now.
I should get a new one really,this one's got blood on it.
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I've just heard that the man who had the recent hand transplant has been caught shoplifting in Tesco,turns out the donor was a scouser
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I was on my way home and see me dwarf neighbour waiting at the bus stop so I stopped and said jump in.
He said he';d sooner walk.So i done me zip back up on my back pac and carried on walking.
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1 inch - are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly
3 inch - never been so unsatisfied in my life
4 inch - I've had bigger
5 inch - good, but not enough
6 inch - about right
8 inch - perfect
10 inch - it's hurting my insides
12 inch - I'm absolutely destroyed
How do you rate your pizza?
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. The Queen promptly pulls out a douche bottle and starts cleaning her vagina.
St. Peter then asks Dolly why she thinks she is worthy of entering heaven. In response, Dolly flashes her boobs.
He then proceeds to open the gates, letting Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why the Queen was let through and not her, Peter replies, "A royal flush beats a wild pair."
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In reply to Post #824
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My mate just said, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."
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People tell me I don't understand anal sex.
It's not my fault, I just haven't found a woman with a vagina big enough for my arse to fit into yet
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In reply to Post #822
 
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'Phone rings, woman answers.
Pervert with heavy breathing says, 'I bet you have a tight arse, with no hair.'
Woman replies 'Yes, he's watching the football. Who shall I say is calling?'
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In reply to Post #818
And any Newcastle fans a bit peed off they are losing their idol, apparently the club have an offer on for only £3 you can have the letters "stard" added on to your existing shirt. 
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So a bloke has a hand transplant.. Surely they should have called it a handjob
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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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In reply to Post #817
Anyway..... Back on track..
Chelsea fans wanting to save money on a Demba Ba replica shirt?
Just cut off the word 'DROG' from the one you wore last season.
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NON Carp stuff