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   Old Thread  #713 14 Dec 2012 at 1.17pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel
to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be fcukin alive
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   Old Thread  #712 14 Dec 2012 at 10.17am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
One of Britain's first ever sex-swap patients has been awarded the MBE.

Missing Bell End?
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   Old Thread  #711 13 Dec 2012 at 8.34pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked "What am I getting for Christmas?" She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This" I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.
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   Old Thread  #710 13 Dec 2012 at 8.32pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I remember my dad telling me, "Son. Only ever gamble what you don't mind losing."It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new "dad".
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   Old Thread  #709 13 Dec 2012 at 6.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
so tulisa"s new album has been labelled a flop..she must have tried to suck it off !!
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   Old Thread  #708 13 Dec 2012 at 3.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the expectation was unbearable.
It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fcukin trolley over here fatty, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2.
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   Old Thread  #707 13 Dec 2012 at 3.44pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
my missus said , youre football mad you are , you love tottenham more than you love me.

i said , i ****ing love arsenal more than i love you.
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   Old Thread  #706 13 Dec 2012 at 3.39pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The wife wanted sex so I lay on the bed, waiting.

Eventually she entered the bedroom,naked.

"Hi darling!" she said "I thought tonight we'd try something different."

"Different, how?" I asked.

"I'm thinking anal" she said

"Anal!? That's disgusting and.... unhygienic!" I cried.

"Don't worry, I've washed thoroughly. I think it will be a pleasurable experience."

"Pleasurable for you maybe. But then it's always all about you isn't it? It's always sucking your nipples then licking you to orgasm while you scream and moan."

"Well, tonight it will be anal, then nipples, then clitoris. Or we can get your mate, Dave, over again. He did anything I asked. He's an animal! And you like to watch, remember?"

"I thought I'd like to watch" I said "But turns out I don't. So, ok then"

"Good boy." she said as she lowered her backside to my face.

That'll teach me to drink and drive, I thought, as I readied my tongue. I fcuking hate being paralysed from the neck down.
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   Old Thread  #705 13 Dec 2012 at 7.07am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #702
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   Old Thread  #704 12 Dec 2012 at 6.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #702
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   Old Thread  #703 12 Dec 2012 at 6.33pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #702
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   Old Thread  #702 12 Dec 2012 at 6.24pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I used to be a cowboy
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   Old Thread  #701 12 Dec 2012 at 5.35pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Breaking News.Nurse Jacintha Sadanas has turned up safe and well .In a phone call to an Australian radio broadcaster she said "Beat that for a f--king wind up"
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   Old Thread  #700 12 Dec 2012 at 5.30pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Dear Deirdre,my boyfriends a right dick!He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.I didn't believe him but after some persuasion he talked me into it and shagged me up the ar$e really hard. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.What should i do? A.Blonde essex
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   Old Thread  #699 12 Dec 2012 at 1.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I tried having sex with my mum whilst I was drunk last night.

She pushed me off and said, "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm really sorry," I replied, as I sat on the edge of the bed, "It must be the alcohol."

"Either that or you don't fancy me anymore." she said, slapping my flaccid penis.
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