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   Old Thread  #759 24 Dec 2012 at 11.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I have lost my phone, so if you find it I can explain the pictures.

I suspected my hamster had hypothermia so I needed to stick him somewhere warm, quickly
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   Old Thread  #758 24 Dec 2012 at 11.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I haven't washed my van for a few weeks now. I caught a tramp writing a message on it this morning.

It said, "I wish my wife was this clean
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   Old Thread  #757 24 Dec 2012 at 11.44am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
As we laid in bed I dipped my finger into the wife's fanny.

She got a bit upset and said can't you just lick your finger to turn the page.
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   Old Thread  #756 24 Dec 2012 at 11.44am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I'm selling my pet python on ebay.

Some bloke just rang up and asked is it big?

I said ****ing massive.

He said how many feet?

I said none, it's a fcuking snake
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   Old Thread  #755 24 Dec 2012 at 11.42am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
"How much for the huge washing machine?" I asked the lady in the shop today.

"1.50" she replied.

"You've got yourself a fcuking deal," I said, dragging it out of the launderette.
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   Old Thread  #754 24 Dec 2012 at 10.35am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
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   Old Thread  #753 23 Dec 2012 at 8.09pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #752 23 Dec 2012 at 7.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
I used to date a dental nurse called Jean. She was good at two things, doing drugs and giving blowjobs.

She was known as oral, high Jean.
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   Old Thread  #751 23 Dec 2012 at 11.40am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #750 23 Dec 2012 at 11.11am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #749 23 Dec 2012 at 11.09am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said there had been invented a new machine that would transfer-by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they returned home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
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   Old Thread  #748 23 Dec 2012 at 9.19am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #747 22 Dec 2012 at 6.45pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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A couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was packed.

As the wife walked through a store she was surprised to look
around and see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so
worried, she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into
about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop."
"Well, I'm in the pub next door to it."
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   Old Thread  #746 22 Dec 2012 at 12.16pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #745 22 Dec 2012 at 11.32am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
This Christmas shopping is a load of w@nk.

I went to boots....and they don't sell boots....

I went to Selfridge and they don't sell fridges....

went to Curry's.....not a curry in site!

So I tried Virgin Megastore and what a fcuking disappointment that was....

It had closed down in 2007
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