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   Old Thread  #800 31 Dec 2012 at 11.25am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
What's a necrophiliac's favourite position?

Decomposition.
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   Old Thread  #799 31 Dec 2012 at 11.16am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #798 31 Dec 2012 at 7.04am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b@stard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b@stard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.
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   Old Thread  #797 30 Dec 2012 at 6.46pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #795
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   Old Thread  #796 30 Dec 2012 at 4.55pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Just watched a Stan Boardman DVD and this was on - the old ones are the best

Stan Boardman


And another:

A mother in the UK has given birth to a 16lb baby..... the hospital staff are taking bets on who'll walk first.


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   Old Thread  #795 30 Dec 2012 at 2.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the
cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire
and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What
kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot ar$ehole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!
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   Old Thread  #794 30 Dec 2012 at 11.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #793 30 Dec 2012 at 11.34am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school. (robot slaps son)

Son: Okay I went to the movies!

Dad: Which one?

Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)

Son: Okay, I was watching porn.

Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)

Mum: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mum)
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   Old Thread  #792 29 Dec 2012 at 12.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #791 29 Dec 2012 at 10.10am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, & one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings & suspenders, black leather basque, black knee high boots and a leather face mask. Later the engaged woman says, "My man jumped me and sex me all night!" The mistress adds, "Me too. We had wild, dirty sex till dawn!" The married woman says, "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said, 'What's for dinner Batman?'"
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   Old Thread  #790 28 Dec 2012 at 5.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #789 28 Dec 2012 at 5.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #788 28 Dec 2012 at 5.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
a Sikh and a Pakistani were driving in opposite directions one night and as they passed each other their cars collided.To their amazement neither was hurt but both cars are destroyed.
in celebration of their luck they agreed to put their differences aside from that moment on.The Sikh goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey.He hands it to the Pakistani and says"l know Muslims don't normally drink but who's gonna know".The Pakistani says "may the Sikhs and the Muslims live together forever in peace and harmony"and then gulps down half the bottle.
He goes to hand the bottle to the Sikh who replies,"no thanks, I'll just wait till the cops get here you paki c--t.
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   Old Thread  #787 28 Dec 2012 at 5.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife is a mute.She communicates by embroidery.


It's her own version of sign language,sew to speak.'
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   Old Thread  #786 28 Dec 2012 at 11.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
In reply to Post #780
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