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   Old Thread  #795 30 Dec 2012 at 2.29pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after
spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and
filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the
cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his
sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire
and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What
kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot ar$ehole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!
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   Old Thread  #794 30 Dec 2012 at 11.36am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #793 30 Dec 2012 at 11.34am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school. (robot slaps son)

Son: Okay I went to the movies!

Dad: Which one?

Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)

Son: Okay, I was watching porn.

Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)

Mum: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mum)
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   Old Thread  #792 29 Dec 2012 at 12.02pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #791 29 Dec 2012 at 10.10am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, & one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings & suspenders, black leather basque, black knee high boots and a leather face mask. Later the engaged woman says, "My man jumped me and sex me all night!" The mistress adds, "Me too. We had wild, dirty sex till dawn!" The married woman says, "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said, 'What's for dinner Batman?'"
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   Old Thread  #790 28 Dec 2012 at 5.59pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #789 28 Dec 2012 at 5.36pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #788 28 Dec 2012 at 5.25pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
a Sikh and a Pakistani were driving in opposite directions one night and as they passed each other their cars collided.To their amazement neither was hurt but both cars are destroyed.
in celebration of their luck they agreed to put their differences aside from that moment on.The Sikh goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey.He hands it to the Pakistani and says"l know Muslims don't normally drink but who's gonna know".The Pakistani says "may the Sikhs and the Muslims live together forever in peace and harmony"and then gulps down half the bottle.
He goes to hand the bottle to the Sikh who replies,"no thanks, I'll just wait till the cops get here you paki c--t.
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   Old Thread  #787 28 Dec 2012 at 5.03pm Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
My wife is a mute.She communicates by embroidery.


It's her own version of sign language,sew to speak.'
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   Old Thread  #786 28 Dec 2012 at 11.39am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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   Old Thread  #785 26 Dec 2012 at 9.22am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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Quality
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   Old Thread  #784 26 Dec 2012 at 8.50am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
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   Old Thread  #783 26 Dec 2012 at 8.49am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, 'I have a 22 year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'

I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'

He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

He answered, 'I can't remember where I live
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   Old Thread  #782 26 Dec 2012 at 8.46am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
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gud un!!!!
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   Old Thread  #781 26 Dec 2012 at 8.45am Login so you can post / reply  Register so you can join in!
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
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